Relationship and Passion
When your journey has led you to your passion, it is like you don’t want to be stopped by anyone. I know advocacy, speaking, podcasting, and helping others is what the man above guided me into without me even noticing it at all. There was a time when I knew not one person living with HIV/AIDS until 5 years ago. I was lost in myself and did not see what was before me.
My relationship history started at age 15
I chose the wrong relationships that were abusive since the age of 15 years old. By the time I was 17 years old, I ended up in a relationship until I was 27 and because I didn’t have the structure or guidance to know what I should do.
I didn’t see what the man above was showing me. I depended on my own understanding which was the understanding of a lost girl who thought she was deeply in love even when being abused.
The turmoil of an HIV diagnosis
Then I found out at 27 that I was living with HIV, I still didn’t see where I was being guided to. I used to say "Why me" and "What did I do to deserve this awful thing" and "Why am I going to die at such a young age"? Falling into depression but, months later, I was taken out of that. Again, I still didn’t see where I was being guided to.
I was afraid of being alone
At age 29, I married a man who was HIV negative. I was happy to just have someone who accepted my HIV because I was afraid to be alone or in another abusive relationship that I could have avoided if I would have just opened my eyes a little wider. You see, when this marriage ended, I realized that I had to stay alone.
Taking a break from relationships
It wasn’t the men who were destroying me. It was my choices that I allowed in my life. But each time I was guided to do something to get me out of it, I looked away and overlooked every sign I saw. I stayed by myself for over 6 years because this is what I was guided to do, and it was the best choice I had ever made. It taught me to love me, to be open and honest about all the decisions I made in my life.
Balancing a relationship with advocacy
And then, when I assumed it was good to be in a relationship again, I was married a second time. He knew I was an advocate. He was a kind, loving man who cooked for me every day. He let me be me. But what I found out was that being me can be too much for someone.
He said my advocacy is a lot and he’s always being left alone at home alone. See, my passion is my whole life and it is something I couldn’t see myself doing. I know there are bigger things ahead and I know that I am doing what I am supposed to be doing because it makes me happy to give love that I have to others.
Advocacy is my passion
So no, it is not easy being an advocate, living with HIV, and trying to hold a relationship. There are sad days and happy days. But when I have to choose between the two, I will always choose my passion and what I was guided to do.
Do you live in the Southern US?