Beyond Diagnosis: How Embracing My HIV Status Taught Me to Truly Live

I began my HIV journey during the year with the highest number of AIDS deaths ever recorded in the United States. I can barely remember what it was like, grappling with this new information while watching so many friends wither away and disappear.

We must never forget how hopeless things were at the time. The few available treatments could be as deadly as the virus itself. People peddled wild conspiracy theories, would stop all treatments, and pursue irrational alternatives to medication. We were shunned and feared and had no one to rely on except ourselves.

Coping with Loss

My partner died alone and scared in a cold room at a hospital where I was not allowed to stay overnight because I wasn’t family. Sympathetic nurses would hide me in the bathroom until the night shift began so I could sleep on the freezing tile floor to be near him. But not on the night he left this world; no one felt helpful to me that night.

After his death, I found myself grappling with my health issues. While he was alive, I felt a sense of purpose in caring for him. Once he was gone, I was defeated; I could not save him, so what chance did I have of beating back the virus?

Finding Purpose After Tragedy

The morning after his memorial, I woke up early and tackled the day. I cleaned our apartment, went to the grocery store, and cooked my favorite meal, which he had taught me before he became too sick to stand in the kitchen. I cried more than I ate that night, and when I was done, I knew I had no choice but to go on living.

My HIV Survival Story

From the beginning, I wanted to be the one who survived. I pursued knowledge about medicines, clinical trials, nutrition, and lifestyle enhancements. Now that I had the time to focus on myself, I remembered my early goal of surviving until better treatments arrived. And then suddenly, they did.

From Undetectable to Unstoppable

Without warning, my viral load became undetectable, my t-cells skyrocketed, and the Kaposi’s Sarcoma lesions began to disappear. After a few years, it became apparent that the one thing I wanted, the thing I hadn’t planned for, would happen. I was going to live.

Beyond an HIV Diagnosis

My confidence kicked in, and I began pursuing a career in management at the restaurant I worked at. One of my friends who was HIV positive also told me how much he admired that I didn’t let my status stop me from pursuing my goals.

I began volunteering, writing, and working out. I also took night classes and hosted treatment discussion groups. I pursued my passions and found my life filling up with things unrelated to sickness or death.

Embracing Life and Love

And just as I was not looking for it, love found me again. I met someone who I have been with for almost as long as I’ve had HIV. When I took the chance and disclosed my status the night we met, I resolved never to hide that fact again. Ultimately, he accepted me thoroughly, and I never had to disclose anything to a potential partner again.

Overcoming Regret and Finding Gratitude

Only when you look backward can you fully appreciate the path you’ve taken. As I do this, I realize I’ve been lucky to live a gratitude-filled life. Yet, there are some things that I do regret. And that’s okay because, from our mistakes, there are lessons to be learned and experiences from which we can grow.

Whether it’s because of all the friends I’ve lost or just my insecurities, I have kept too many people at arm’s length. I fear getting too close to people, afraid to establish long friendships.

Even the family members I stay in contact with have found me to be secretive about my life. This came into sharp focus a few years ago when friends began dying again. Except this time, it was from age-related issues.

I promised myself that I would open myself up to people around me and not fear new friendships as an option. I even committed to rekindling contacts with those I had drifted away from. Ultimately, my life will be fuller and more prosperous because of their presence.

Age, Health, and the Power of Perspective

Years of successful treatment left me overconfident. I began to believe I was invulnerable. Years ago, that resulted in drug and alcohol abuse; more recently, I realized that I am getting older and cannot live like I am not.

HIV-related cancer entered my world and woke me up to the importance of paying attention. Overconfidence made me take for granted the healthy life I was living. I forgot to pay attention to the small moments we are given.
When you are given extra time in this life, and it keeps coming and coming, you move past thinking that every second counts. Now, when I wake up, I find something to be thankful for. I review my actions and don’t let misunderstandings linger anymore.

The greatest lesson that I have learned while living with HIV is not that it is not a death sentence, but it can be a life bringer. It can make you engage in yourself and the world in ways you may not have thought possible. Knowing this, I refuse to live with regret about my status, and instead, I don’t let it stop me from living.