Facing the Darkness

Content Note: This article describes suicidal thoughts. If you or a loved one are struggling, consider reading our mental health resources page.

Living with major depressive disorder is exhausting in so many ways. It is draining emotionally, mentally, and physically. I have lived with major depressive disorder since 2010. For me, it started after my migraines became daily and I was diagnosed with HIV.

My Major Depressive Disorder

I have struggled to find an effective treatment for my major depressive disorder. For the most part, I have always stayed in talk therapy. My psychologists have tried a variety of approaches, including hypnotherapy!

Through my primary care physician and then psychiatrists, I have tried a variety of antidepressants. The last time I spoke to my current psychiatrist, she informed me that I had tried all types of antidepressants and combinations of antidepressants. If the last medication increase does not help me, her next step is to suggest ketamine infusions.

The Brutal Truth

Due to the nature of my depression and the failure of my treatments, I have battled suicidal thoughts multiple times. The first time, I was not strong enough to ignore these urges and attempted to end my life. I woke up several days later in the hospital with my best friend sitting in the chair next to me.

The next time I was struggling with suicidal thoughts, my best friend came to my house and stayed with me for a month. By not leaving me alone, she removed my ability to carry out any plan I considered.

Recently I struggled with suicidal thoughts again. This time I was able to work more frequently with my therapist to reduce the thoughts and find other things to focus on. It is not an easy journey but it is one that is worth it.

Finding An Escape

During one of my appointments with my psychologist, she asked me what brought me joy. Sadly, I could not answer her. Due to this, my homework assignment was to Find My Joy. For someone who is not living with depression, this is likely very simple. But it was hard work for me, extremely hard work.

Reading

Before I lost control of my life, I read a ton of books. My love for reading started in elementary school. Most of the time I read anything I could get my hands on. But as I sat in silence after my appointment, I realized that I could not remember the last time I read something for ‘fun’.

I chose to pick up a book and give reading a go again. Much to my surprise, I was able to fall into the habit of reading again. It takes me longer to read and more effort to focus than it used to when I did not have major depressive disorder.

The biggest benefit of reading is that it provides my mind with an escape. When I read, my mind gets to turn off the static and stop the negativity.

Writing

On a whim, I wrote a note on Facebook titled Lessons Learned: Living with Chronic Migraine. I received such wonderful feedback and had a friend reach out to tell me all about Health Union. The next thing I knew, I was writing articles for Health Union.

Since I have been writing for Health Union, I have found it very cathartic. The articles that I write have become a way for me to process things that I have lived or am currently living through. I also enjoy having conversations with individuals who read and comment on my articles.