a rock climber climbs a big red rock shaped like a heart

Dear Diary [3.30.21]

Dear Diary,

One day soon, I hope to be an outspoken advocate for HIV survivors, but the fear of the stigma still fogs my mind. I know that everything I have been through has to be for some more profound reason and I wonder still, what that reason is.

It’s hard to not get caught up in your own mind. Or the mind that others force on you. The world is constantly telling you about the virus that YOU HAVE. People place judgment on an illness, and it’s so unfortunate. It’s hard to look past the ignorant comments people make on Facebook posts or the “funny” memes that people post about people who are living with HIV.

I know that I am working towards helping fight the stigma, and my love of helping others is greater than my fear. I know that I can truly make a difference, and I know that I am stronger than anyone will ever know.

I have to remember that people who want to believe the stigma will continue to want to be that way. And those people are not who I need in my life. Knowing that does not change the feelings and emotions that come with it. But controlling my emotions and loving myself first is something that I am continuing to work on.

I also have been looking for my passion. I am interested in so many things but struggle with what will make me happy in the long run. I have been trying different things, but all of the trauma I have endured has caused me to feel like the character 22 from Disney’s Soul: I know that I have several passions, and a lot of them include bettering life while we are here.

I guess I should focus on one thing at a time. Starting with me. I have been doing better about getting out of the house and trying to conquer my paranoia. I know that things have caused me to be introverted and to stay away from everything, but there’s more to life than the four walls of my room, and my pillow. The world really is such a beautiful place. And although I think that I have "HIV-positive" written on my forehead, no one knows. And those who do...respectfully, do not care.

Finding H-I-V.net and becoming a contributor for the site has been so amazing. I have found a supportive community, one that encourages me, and shares real stories. .. all without leaving my house. I know, I know. I should be leaving my house but support groups just never touched me the way this community has. I have been able to share my story and life with others, read similarities with other authors, and have support while doing it. I know I have my family, but there’s something special about knowing someone understands firsthand.

I am going to continue working on self-healing and loving myself fully. It’s an uphill battle. But once I master it, I will be unstoppable. I cannot wait to pass on to others how loving yourself will help heal the world of hate... and mental illness. I believe in love. Love heals all.

I guess I will just write later soon. Today has been a pretty good day, but man do I have so much homework! Got to go!


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