It always seems easy at first. It’s as if men love me for the first 2 years with no restraints. Or maybe I turn a blind eye to the things I do not want to see.
But I always try my hardest. In every relationship, in every aspect, I try. I sacrifice so much, and I only ask to be loved passionately and openly.
I truly give my all in relationships
Everything I want out of a relationship, I give. I squeeze every little drop I have into the efforts of my relationship being top tier. I love effortlessly most times like it's ingrained in my DNA.
My wants are centered around wanting a “proper” family - a mother, a father, no domestic drama. Just love, fun in the backyard, and a man that appreciates everything I do.
I’m an all-in lover. I find out everything I can about my partner, and I commit to their love language. I truly give my all.
So now one probably wondering, "Well if you’re so 'great'...why aren't you happily married?"
A part of me is undeniably insecure
A part of me knows my worth and knows that I am an amazing partner. But, there’s another part of me that’s undeniably insecure. I believe the insecure part of me lets a partner find me and latches on to their words, always giving the benefit of the doubt.
Where my insecurity stems from
One would think - after all that I have been through - that I would be less trustworthy, but I am so trusting. Unfortunately - or fortunately - I was given a heart that loves hard, forgives, and embraces other’s faults.
My insecurity has stemmed from all of the infidelity that has crashed all of my relationships. I am constantly looking at other women and comparing myself. "She’s thinner than me. She has a better shape than me. She seems less 'mentally warped than me."
So, I guess the real question is: How can I be happily married if I am not happy with myself?
Showing myself the same love that I give to others
Life has beaten me down and shown me all the ways it can be ugly. And still, my ability to give and show love has never changed.
But maybe, I need to show myself the same love and admiration that I give to my partners.
I have been trying to find peace, trying to find security within myself because my true journey is with self-love. It’s hard, and sometimes it seems so damn lonely.
But once I love myself, I know that I will never be lonely again.
Have you ever experienced discrimination due to your HIV status?