Insecure Love

By Ze

2 min read

It always seems easy at first. It’s as if men love me for the first 2 years with no restraints. Or maybe I turn a blind eye to the things I do not want to see.

But I always try my hardest. In every relationship, in every aspect, I try. I sacrifice so much, and I only ask to be loved passionately and openly.

I truly give my all in relationships

Everything I want out of a relationship, I give. I squeeze every little drop I have into the efforts of my relationship being top tier. I love effortlessly most times like it's ingrained in my DNA.

My wants are centered around wanting a “proper” family - a mother, a father, no domestic drama. Just love, fun in the backyard, and a man that appreciates everything I do.

I’m an all-in lover. I find out everything I can about my partner, and I commit to their love language. I truly give my all.

So now one probably wondering, "Well if you’re so 'great'...why aren't you happily married?"

A part of me is undeniably insecure

A part of me knows my worth and knows that I am an amazing partner. But, there’s another part of me that’s undeniably insecure. I believe the insecure part of me lets a partner find me and latches on to their words, always giving the benefit of the doubt.

Where my insecurity stems from

One would think - after all that I have been through - that I would be less trustworthy, but I am so trusting. Unfortunately - or fortunately - I was given a heart that loves hard, forgives, and embraces other’s faults.

My insecurity has stemmed from all of the infidelity that has crashed all of my relationships. I am constantly looking at other women and comparing myself. "She’s thinner than me. She has a better shape than me. She seems less 'mentally warped than me."

So, I guess the real question is: How can I be happily married if I am not happy with myself?

Showing myself the same love that I give to others

Life has beaten me down and shown me all the ways it can be ugly. And still, my ability to give and show love has never changed.

But maybe, I need to show myself the same love and admiration that I give to my partners.

I have been trying to find peace, trying to find security within myself because my true journey is with self-love. It’s hard, and sometimes it seems so damn lonely.

But once I love myself, I know that I will never be lonely again.

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The H-I-V.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Ze" user-id="2048448"/> You are being so transparent with us and I appreciate you. It's so important that we get to a place of self love. I think once we are there our awareness of how others love us is see more clearly. Another powerful piece. Khafre (Team Member)
1. Ze Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Khafre Kujichagulia Abif" user-id="2046187"/> Thank you Khafre. Sometimes I feel as though my journey is taking SOOOO long, but I know that it's for a reason. It's easy to be transparent when I have a great support system. Having the community has helped me work through many aspects in my life, and is helping tremendously on my journey. -Ze (Team Member)
2. Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
 <inline-mention username="Ze" user-id="2048448"/> Alafia (Peace) That is so good to hear. I a glad you have a strong support system. Khafre (Team Member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Ze" user-id="2048448"/> I have been thinking about this piece since I first read it. I decided that I can be more open and transparent. I will make it really short. When I first got diagnosed I went to get tested because I wanted to ask the woman I was dating to marry me. I tested positive, share the outcome with her, we got married, but after our child was born three months late she didn't hug, touch, hold, kiss or make love to me. It took nine years for me to get past my fear and leave her. My internalized shame, stigma and desire to continue parenting my son kept me from seeking the kind of support I needed to truly live. Khafre (Team Member)
1. Ze Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Khafre Kujichagulia Abif" user-id="2046187"/> Thank you for sharing your experience Khafre. I am happy you were able to overcome. I struggled in my relationship with my son's father, and dealt with more BS because of "standards". It took me forever to get pass the thought that I was to blame for ending a "traditional" family dynamic. Now, presently, I an struggling with a different dynamic ... the stigma for those with HIV. I am not insecure because I have HIV. I am insecure because people have shamed, stigmatized and passed judgment on my status. I am struggling with this, but the support you have given helps me to remember that things get better. -Ze (Team Member)
2. Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
 <inline-mention username="Ze" user-id="2048448"/> Alafia (Peace) I totally understand struggling with the way others want to make you and others who are living with HIV feel bad about our lives. Keep pushing and I know you will get past it. Khafre (Team Member)

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