Intimacy Issues

By Heather Renee

3 min read

“If you don't love yourself, you won't be happy with yourself. If you can't love yourself, you can't love anyone else. You can't give the love you do not have. You can't make anyone love you without loving yourself first.” ― Kemi Sogunle

Everyone has various beliefs about self-intimacy and intimacy with others. Although, when you go through a traumatic event or have certain mental health issues, these beliefs can be challenged. Personally, my HIV diagnosis challenged all my intimacy beliefs.

Intimacy beliefs related to me

A massive aspect of intimacy beliefs related to self relies on an individual being able to take care of their own emotional needs. To some people, this may seem like no big deal. Unfortunately, this can become challenging for somebody who has gone through something traumatic.

For a healthy life, an individual should be able to calm and soothe themselves. For example, they should be able to manage their anxiety on their own. One of the hardest aspects of self-intimacy is having the ability to be alone, yet not feel lonely or empty. While it may seem hard, it is an important component.

Intimacy beliefs related to others

One of our basic human needs is to have a connection with other people. When it comes to intimacy with others, it can be both emotional and physical. Individuals need to believe that they can make various types of safe emotional connections with other people.

Physical intimate relationships can be both platonic and sexual. A platonic physical intimacy can involve hugs or hand-holding. Many friendships involve this type of connection, but it can be challenging for somebody whose intimacy beliefs with others have been disrupted.

On a deeper level, physical sexual intimacy with others can be extremely challenging, especially after a traumatic event such as an HIV diagnosis. It is important for individuals to understand that they still have value. Additionally, while not everyone may want to be with them, there will be individuals who do.

My mental health

Intimacy, both emotional and physical, can be very beneficial to individuals dealing with mental health issues. The unfortunate aspect of it is that some mental health issues can make intimacy difficult for an individual. While an individual may feel that it is safer to withdraw from others, it can actually make things worse for their conditions.

My personal intimacy beliefs

This section of cognitive processing therapy was hard for me to get through. I spent the equivalent of two sessions working on this same module. Additionally, I spent more time working on “homework” worksheets.

The homework involved working through some challenging belief worksheets, with the focus being on intimacy issues. This is where I took my stuck points and tried to work through them until I was able to develop an alternative thought. Despite this, I do still struggle with intimacy with others due to my HIV diagnosis. It is simply something that I need more time to work through.

My Symptoms

Currently, I am aware that I have some low intimacy beliefs towards myself and I have quite a few low intimacy beliefs about other people. I have current symptoms that indicate these low intimacy scores.

Some of the symptoms I have that indicate low intimacy beliefs related to self include:

Fear of being alone forever
Seeking external sources of comfort, such as shopping
Perfectionism
Inability to calm panic attacks, without medication or my dog

Some of the symptoms I have that indicate low intimacy beliefs related to others include:

Emptiness and isolation
Not sharing my true feelings or personality (everybody has a different version of me)
Failure to experience a sense of connectedness with others

An example of one of my stuck points is that nobody will want to be with me due to my status. While I have been able to create the alternative thought that simply some people will not be interested, but those are probably people that I did not need in my life. Additionally, there are people in serodiscordant relationships. I simply have to try to find mine.

Working on ourselves

While they vary, both intimacy beliefs related to self and to others are important components of our mental health. It is important that we are able to work on these components if needed so that we are able to be a better version of ourselves.

How are your intimacy beliefs related to self and to others? What effect have they had on your life?

This article represents the opinions, thoughts, and experiences of the author; none of this content has been paid for by any advertiser. The H-I-V.net team does not recommend or endorse any products or treatments discussed herein. Learn more about how we maintain editorial integrity here.

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Robert Brunet Moderator
<inline-mention username="Heather Renee" user-id="2045676"/> I always appreciate your posts. It's great to see someone open up about topics that are a little uncomfortable. It makes it easier for me to think and talk about these things.
1. Heather Renee Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Robert Brunet" user-id="2047863"/> Thank you so much. I am glad that I can help you out in any way. Sometimes it can be hard to look at ourselves or our lives with a microscope or magnifying glass. It can be very beneficial when we take the time to do so though. - Heather R (team member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) Heather Renee Thank you for this piece. There is a great deal to think about. I used to feel that I was not worthy of being touched by anyone. A dear friend of mine shared with me that I deserve to be loved. It began changing the way I thought about myself and my personal needs. I know that my mental well-being suffered from having no human contact. Today, I don't even think about it, I know that I bring my whole self to all of my relationships. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
1. Heather Renee Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Khafre Kujichagulia Abif" user-id="2046187"/> It is completely horrible to feel like you are not worthy. I have been there. Part of the problem in my marriage was feeling like I was a burden. Those are hard emotions to manage. I am glad you realized you deserve everything and then some! Your personality and spirit are just amazing. I always enjoy your videos and comments. I hope you're having a fabulous day. - Heather R (team member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) Working on myself is what I am committed to in 2023. My body, managing my mental well-being and relationships. Thank you Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Heather Renee" user-id="2045676"/> After reading this article again I realized just how much of it has been a part of my own journey. Especially, the mental health issues as they relate to intimacy with others. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
1. Heather Renee Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Khafre Kujichagulia Abif" user-id="2046187"/> I am so glad this article continues to resonate with you. That means so much to me! - Heather R (team member)