No More Regrets

In life, we have all gone through struggles, events, and pain that we sometimes can’t forget, and they stay on our minds all the time. That would of-should of-could of, you know what I am talking about? That what-if question we all ask ourselves.

What I have been through in my life

For years I fought with myself mentally on everything I have been through, starting from being that 15-year-old teen that was homeless.

That young girl who watched her best friend get shot right in front of her at 17 years old. That rape that I keep inside of me. Those 3 abusive relationships from ages 15 to 40 years old, that day of diagnosis at 27 years old, and so many other traumatizing things that I went through. The resentment I had for all the people who I allowed into my life to treat me any kind of way as if I didn’t matter.

An amazing childhood

It has been 9 years since I've let go of what was holding me back, but I use to dwell on what my life could have been like if my mother didn’t become an alcoholic and choose her boyfriend over her twin daughters and if my father never decided to take that first taste of drugs.

My childhood was an amazing one. We had horses, played outside until the street lights came on, dance classes, break-dancing in the driveway with our friends, riding bikes and skating, swimming at my grandparents’ house who live right around the corner.

And what about walking to the store with a dollar to buy a whole bag of candy, filled to the top? Some of you remember that small brown paper bag at the store (smile). And rides in the car with daddy to visit family. Our holidays were amazing too.

Letting go of that resentment

I have learned to hold on tight to the beautiful memories of my middle-class family. I have forgiven everyone who had hurt me because it is not how we forgive and forget; it’s how we accept and move on, to not let these things hinder us in moving forward in life because everything is not our fault.

I know that not many parents realize the impact they put upon a child and how it can affect them through life. But as an adult, I take some responsibility for allowing people in my life who were not good for me and, through the years, I have learned how to discern who to let in.

Taking my life back from HIV

In 1997 my life was put on a major hold once I was diagnosed with HIV. I let the years just go by, thinking it was going to be my time to go so why should I do anything productive? I gave up. I understand now that I was letting HIV take over me - the stigma had a great hold on my mental state.

Once I decided to let go of it all, I started to feel free, happy and loved who I was as who I am. I can say that I am still a work in progress, but I love who I have become from all the trauma.