Better To Have Loved and Lost

Do you ever feel like you may have missed your opportunity at love? Like maybe love passed you by.

I know that a love I imagine exists. I know it does because I have firsthand experienced it. I believe in true raw love. The love that heals every worry in your mind. The love that will replay in your head for years to come.

And even if the moment has passed, or that person is no longer with you. I still know that every display of love is right on time.

Dating after my diagnosis

After my diagnosis, dating was weird. I was looking for love at the most inappropriate timing because I was desperately trying to love myself.

I dated someone that I did not believe I was worthy of for a brief moment. In the moment, I pushed him away and broke all communication because I could not handle the love he was giving. I could not accept the person he was despite him being genuine, smart and so romantic.

Once we began to know each other, he told me he fell in love with me. And I was not holding back with the flaws I had. I was a hot mess. His loving me scared the crap out of me. In a moment when I felt so unlovable, he loved me. And that was something I was not ready for.

Struggling to love myself

Once he found out the things I liked, he made sure to show me and surprise me with those things... every chance. The love I had given to the wrong people, he was giving me. He was loving me how I loved... but it felt foreign.

When he found out about my love for flowers, he made sure to stop for them every time he was going to see me. And if we didn’t get to see each other, he would bring me flowers for every day he missed. He was giving me exactly the romance I had always dreamed of, yet I felt like I was in my own nightmare.

I was desperately struggling to love myself, something I had expressed to him. And he would tell me all the little things he noticed and loved about me but I could not see those things.

I did not love myself, and I therefore could not accept the beautiful love he was giving me. Looking back at it now, he truly helped in my healing.

Our first date was serene. He picked me up, flowers in hand, opened every door, and talked to me the whole car ride. We took a drive through a scenic town we both loved but had visited separately.

At the end of the scenic road, we drove into the woods and stopped at different lookout points. With every daring inch, I would take to get the best view, he would hold my hand and help guide me safely.

Time must have lost us because before we knew it, we were enjoying our second meal together, at a little shack that overlooked the river. With every word I spoke, he listened.

In our final moments that day, we took an off-beaten path where we shared moments of silence, moments of laughter, and moments of sorrow while watching the sun go down.

Capable of being loved

In these memories I briefly shared with this man, he healed my soul. The conversations we had, the feelings we shared, the raw emotion we were giving each other was divine. In many ways, I know we crossed paths for this very reason.

The time we spent together helped me understand I was capable of being loved. I learned so much about my wants and needs in my own life. More than anything, the love we shared brightened one of the darkest times in my life.

And for that, I will always thank you Macaroni.