My Own Mortality

Hello Family, this your girl Octavia checking in. I had surgery a few days ago and it really scared me. It scared me because it was the closest that I've ever realized being to death. Many of us probably have thought about our own mortality before.

However, this time was truly different for me. As a single parent, all I could think about is who would love my children. Would they forget about me as they got older? Have I always been a good parent to them?

I had to look death in the face

In questioning myself, it made me want to plan better and do more with my children. I want to worry less and live more. It’s sad that I had to look death in the face in order to realize that I wanted to live with a purpose. Sometimes, that’s how things happen - when you least expect them.

The surgery I had was routine; that’s what I had been told. However, that wasn’t my reality and I had to learn how to deal with it accordingly.

Living freely and working on me

So, one may ask, what’s next? I’m defining my life on my own terms meaning, I’m working on me. While under construction, I know I may have to realize what I thought was good didn’t mean me any good.

There will be a point when I must be willing to try something new, even if it makes me uncomfortable. No longer will I look at my life through the lens of should of, could of, or would of. From here on out, it’s living freely while taking in every moment.

I deserve to be all that I can

It’s times like this that truly show me that a Black woman of transgender experience living with HIV deserves happiness. Yes, even with all those marginalized identities, I still deserve to be all that I can. The world has tried to confine and define me long enough and I refused to be bound. This girl shall leave her mark on the world and when it’s all said and done, she will be happy if only for a moment.

The thought of death rattled me back to life

Moments like these are worth holding onto. Especially, when this world wasn’t created, designed nor implemented with you in mind.

See death, you thought you had me, but what you did was rattle me back to life. Now that wasn’t your intention, but it was your impact and for that, I will always be grateful. I get up knowing that the next moment isn’t guaranteed and that moments can be fleeting. But for now, I will hold on to what you have brought me as it has led me closer to my own sustainability.

I have a lot of living to do

It’s not always about what you are given, but merely what you decide to do with it. What was intended for my demise was used to fuel my optimism. Who knows where I will end up? But I know where I won't stay and that’s in the shadows. I have a lot of living to do and today might as well be the day to start.

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