Meeting the Moment

I have long believed that everything in my life happens for a reason.

I may not know that reason at that moment; often, the "a-ha" moment comes later in hindsight.

I knew things wouldn't feel the same

When I was diagnosed, I couldn’t see anything past the chaos I felt that was surrounding me. The world felt like it had been turned upside down by 3 letters.

It felt inescapable - like all I had ever known was broken - and that it would never be the same.

The reality was that things were broken and they wouldn’t be the same.

I wanted to fit in

Up to that point, I was a stereotype.

I wanted to fit in with the cool gays. I drank too much and far too often and I did more than my fair share of drugs and other things trying to be liked, thinking that would bring me...I don’t honestly know what I thought I was looking for. But needless to say, I didn’t find it.

Who had I become?

All of that searching for whatever I thought was lacking came to a head the summer after my diagnosis.

I remember looking into the mirror and not even knowing who or what I’d become. All I saw was a lost boy.

I had to make a decision

The following spring, I had to make a hard decision. I could keep doing hair and doing the same thing. Or, I could take a risk, close my salon, and jump into the unknown.

I found myself again taking a hard look in the mirror and at the thought of taking a leap, unsure of where I would land. I saw something different.

It was probably the first time I felt quiet enough to hear that little voice, telling me to take the risk instead of continuing on as I’ve always known, wondering "what if."

Using my inner voice as my compass

Only a few months later, I was hired at the health center where I met with patients.

Not only had I discovered the incredible feeling of being of use to others, but what I found in helping others was myself.

Since that realization of that still, small voice - that gut intuition - was correct, I knew I needed to rely on it to be my compass, to guide me in every aspect of my life.

Where that compass led me to

That compass has led me in many different directions.

It led me to working closely with our local AIDS Walk. It led me to working closely with a team at the health center to make sure all patients know about U=U.

It led me to make a fateful call that would lead me to meet people living with HIV all over the country and even writing here.

Forging a new path

This month I was faced with another difficult decision.

The day before my 34^th birthday, I was offered an incredible once-in-a-lifetime opportunity. I was truly in shock and didn’t know what to do.

I was again faced with choosing between familiarity, safety, and the unknown.

Take a leap

This time, I knew to turn within. And that inner compass said, "Take a leap."

I’ll share more about my next path when the time is right, but I want to leave you with this:

If you can quiet your mind enough to hear that still, small voice, more often than not, it will lead you where you are meant to go.

Trusting that compass has allowed me to meet the moment, and I hope it will lead you where you are meant to go.