Dear Diary [4.30.21]

By Ze

2 min read

Well, he’s back. An ex-boyfriend has snuck his way back into my life, and he’s pulling on my heartstrings. I find myself latching on to his movements and, more special to me is the love my son has for him. Still, I’m so not ready for anything. And definitely not ready to have my feelings toyed with again.

Was it me?

I haven’t said much about my ex after Matt, but there were definitely less than desirable times. Don’t get me wrong: the honeymoon stage was just that, a honeymoon. It was perfect. Seems like it is always that way. And when times were hard, he was supportive.

But the heartaches? Oh man, the insecurity I felt. .. . It became debilitating. I am not really sure what led him to stray or to look for more. I used to look at myself and think it was me. Or maybe all the health issues that came up.

I am just now starting to believe that maybe, truly, he’s not ready. Like he wants the relationship and no commitment. And with my diagnosis, and past trauma, I don’t want to move forward without the commitment. It is something that is truly important to me. Monogamy is something I have always seriously considered, and truly is what I desire.

Working on personal development

Honestly, at this moment, I am committing to myself again. I am dating me and only me. My obligation is to find myself and enjoy every minute of it, gaining the strength and love to do what makes ME happy.

I have been creating again. Mostly anything. Creating with paint and doing projects have given me a sense of accomplishment. I find myself getting lost in the project or setting aside time to try to work on it.

Seems like not having my own space and my extreme paranoia made me really lose track of anything that was “mine,” including my time. Just trying to actively understand what I truly love and what brings me peace.

I have been working on my business and devoting massive amounts of time to the next step in all areas of my life. I truly want to change the dynamic of my family’s generational curse and I believe I am the one to do it. My business will prosper, but I know I have a lot of work to get it up and running.

A reminder to take things slow

In the middle of all my hard work and stressing, I had a shingles outbreak. It happens often. Sometimes I take these painful itchy outbreaks as a reminder that I may be overdoing it.

The shingles oftentimes show when I least expect it, but it only shows when I am putting stress on my body. I do not know if a lot of people have similar troubles, but I know that it is a common thing amongst people with immune issues.

I guess all of these things are just a reminder to take things slow or go at my own pace. I need to focus on what will make me happy and put my energy into that. The truth of this matter is, I am still figuring out what will make me happy. But right now, dating myself seems like the one thing I am sure of.

Until next time,
xXOoxO

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Heather Renee Moderator & Contributor
<inline-mention username="Ze" user-id="2048448"/> I am so sorry that you had a relationship in which somebody was not loyal to you. I have experienced that myself. It is sometimes hard to see that their behavior is not your fault, but it is important that you keep reminding yourself of that fact. Nobody has the right to make you feel insecure. I love that you are focusing on yourself. It is beyond important to have a strong sense of self. Is your business selling the things that you create? I am so sorry to hear that you have had shingles once much less multiple times. I had it one time and would not wish it on anybody. I hope you find some ways to manage your stress prior to having an outbreak. I hate to think of you dealing with shingles multiple times. Hopefully this outbreak heals quickly for you. - Heather (Team Member)
1. Ze Moderator & Contributor
 <inline-mention username="Heather Renee" user-id="2045676"/> Hi Heather, The part that hurts most is that most of the partners I have had, have not been loyal. As someone who has multiple bad relationships, it makes me eel like it's my fault. I try my hardest to remember that the actions of others do not reflect who I am but it's hard. But I know you're so right, nobody has ANY right to make me feel insecure. My business is selling things that I create, and I have stayed pretty silent on it. .. but hope to take it public very soon. Thank you so much for your kind words Heather. I am sorry that you have faced similar struggles but hope that we can continue to positively support each other. Ze ( Team Member )
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Ze" user-id="2048448"/> There is nothing wrong with putting yourself first. Prioritizing self care and not feeling bad or conflicted about it. That's when the joy comes. Khafre (Team Member)