a person's hands writing in a journal. The journal is vivid, swirly, unexpectedly vibrant.

Dear Diary [5.31.21]

To say that I had life more figured out than I did 2 months ago would be a lie. And it seems like I honestly have it less figured out than I did before.

The chaos that begins in my head with one little thought will eventually, given the room to fester, become all-out mayhem. I know that a lot of the things that begin in my head are from intuition but, with an active imagination, the possibilities are endless.

Medication to treat my PTSD

I have been suffering from PTSD my whole life. I have made snippy irrational decisions, and become so overly emotional about events in my life. Couple the PTSD with depression and it’s a full-blown breakdown.

Medication “seems” to help with my irrationality or my lack of being able to sleep. But still, things are repeated in my head over and over again. And then, once it starts, it doesn’t stop.

The medication is supposed to make me act rationally, get sleep, to be "normal." But honestly, it makes me feel every bit unnormal.

It is okay to ask for help

Taking medication for anything has always been looked at, in my world, as meaning you have issues. And strong people are not supposed to have issues.

But what if we do?

What if the strong people are tired of being strong, and just want help? Or to not be judged when something is not working for them?

Some issues are way more than I can handle

I struggle daily with taking my medications because it’s me admitting that I have issues and way more than I can handle. But I still take it, at a very low dose.

My trauma and thoughts are something that could be more medicated. But I am so afraid of becoming a zombie again that I would rather deal with the up and downs of my depression than take more pills.

I feel as though I have given my all and tried my best. But yet, it’s not enough. And that feeling of guilt will continue to haunt me.

Imagine a world where we were not judged by our diagnoses but by how we treat and love others. Imagine a world where mental health didn’t cripple the very individuals who need help the most.

Imagine if things were “easy.”

I need to believe in myself

I try not to bother anyone with my problems or unload, but I truly wish I had a better solution.

I have allowed my mind to make me miserable, unhealthy, temperamental, unorganized and just sometimes. .. lost.

I believe that the hard times will pass because they have before. I believe that everything happens for a reason because there has to be a reason.

Now, I just need to believe in myself.

xoxOXOo

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