Cutting Out Toxic People

I have been very fortunate to have a great deal of love and support after sharing my diagnoses. My family has been the standard barer of what I would wish for anyone who may struggle with any diagnosis.

My family has been steadfast in their support, they took the time and care to learn with compassion, but at the same time providing me the space to find my own agency and voice.

The power of family support in the face of HIV stigma

My sister and brother-in law ultimately ended up appearing as family in an HIV treatment commercial I did in 2020. While it may have been out of necessity (limiting the exposure in the summer of the pandemic to individuals in my "bubble"), ultimately, they could have easily said no as appearing in a television commercial about HIV does come with its own target on your back, but they didn't.

The beautiful thing about having that kind of love and support I believe we all deserve is that it roots you in the belief that HIV does not detract from your value or humanity.

I realize what a privilege I have in my family. In my time in the clinic and throughout my career traveling and meeting people living with HIV around the world, I have met so many who have experienced rejection from family, friends, and romantic interests. The overwhelming through line of their stories is that we continue to see the impact of pervasive stigma rooted in fear and misinformation - ultimately, the fear of the unknown.

While my family both biological and chosen have certainly been a model for what it means to be supportive. Like so many, dating can certainly pose a whole other situation.

HIV disclosure and removing toxic people

In the fall of 2021, maybe the sense of freedom from pandemic life I agreed to go on a date. It was fun, very fall Hallmark kind of thing. As the guy was younger than me, I was hesitant to let myself get too attached, he on the other hand was full on. Talking about me meeting his family, taking trips, the whole kit and caboodle.

After a few weeks went by I deemed it was time to disclose and have what is always a challenging conversation, no matter how many times you have it. Before I could, after a movie, I grabbed the pill container on my keys and popped my pill like it was no big deal, because to me - its just not.

The guy asked me, "Oh, are you taking your PrEP?” Great segway in my opinion. When I calmly told him no, it was my HIV medication he flipped out into what felt like one of the most dramatic meltdowns about how we could only be friends which obviously made things awkward, and I left.

The following day I received a few messages from him. I wasn't sure how or if I even wanted to respond. I decided to take some quiet time and get outside so I took Chip to the dog park. I was faced with a challenge, do I want to continue to have any connection to someone who would react that way?

Ultimately the answer was no. Once I felt my head was clear, I sent a response that said something to the degree of "I don't think I can be friends with someone who behaves the way you did last night."

Setting boundaries and protecting your peace

In my time in the clinic, I had always told people that if someone treats you poorly for living with HIV, something literally microscopic inside of you, how are they going to treat you when something major happens? How will those individuals show up in your life when they can't take the time to educate themselves, to ask questions, to be a decent human being? I have long prided myself on maintaining a circle of humans that are in alignment with my values and beliefs.

I later learned that this person has done the same thing to other guys living with HIV. This unwillingness to learn means they don't make the cut of who is allowed to share space with me. I have seen him in several spaces since and when questioned why I keep my distance I try my best not to speak poorly of him, but to keep a degree of separation that protects my peace.

Embracing self-love by letting go of toxic influences

No matter if we like it or not we are all on our own journey of wellness. Wellness cannot be limited to physical, it also needs to include mental, emotional, and spiritual wellness. We cannot achieve a full sense of wellness in whatever way you define that while entertaining toxic people or the toxic environments they create.

After all, if a flower doesn't bloom we do not blame the plant, we look to the environmental factors in which the flower grows - that is true for humans as well.

At the end of the day if we root ourselves in the knowledge that each of us are one in nearly 8 billion people - you are the only you. If someone cannot see the magnificent wonder in that and past something microscopic, then you have to release that individual. Center yourself in the wondrousness of being the only you in nearly 8 billion and you deserve to be loved fully for all of who you are.

Self-love allows us to bloom.