Dear Me

Dear Kalvin,

When I first began to think of what to write in this love letter to myself, I paused. Not because I didn’t know what to say, but because I had so much to say that I was unsure where to begin.

First and foremost, I wish I could have a time machine. I would not alter events or warn you of difficult days to come; I would hug you. It would most likely be an awkwardly long embrace because I know how often a hug has been needed but you rarely vocalize when you need anything from anyone. There are many difficult challenges ahead of you, but the result of those challenges will be a strength that no one will be able to take from you.

On May 22nd of 2016, your life will be forever changed by a single acronym that is HIV. That afternoon in that van with a stranger will feel earth-shattering. If I could offer one recommendation, I would recommend having a good cry. Allow yourself the space to feel, to be angry, and grieve. You often bottle up everything that might make you seem less than tough. In time, you will understand how vulnerability will be your greatest strength.

I wish I could tell you that this is the end of the challenges that lie ahead, but it is only the beginning. You will face so many things in the coming years that will make you feel like you are forever broken beyond repair. The time before, you will challenge everything you have ever believed to be true about yourself. But the truth is, it takes immense pressure to form diamonds and this time is your pressure.

There will be times you will feel unlovable. While this couldn’t be further from the truth, it will take you years and a global pandemic to see beyond the lies that formed this belief. But the day will come when you look in the mirror, seeing the reflection of someone who is loved and is deserving of love.

While there is much that lies ahead of you, it will be in the moments that you feel like you cannot go further where you will find what you are truly made of.

I know that, at times, you feel as though the weight of secrets, shame, and anger are too difficult to carry. In time, you will have no choice but to lay them down in exchange for the freedom of truth.

It will be in pursuit of living your truth to its fullest that you will uncover the purpose you have so long looked for.

It won’t be in a partner or in some superficial place. It will not be in notoriety or public acclaims. The purpose you seek will be in a life in the service of others.

When you finally see beyond your privileged bubble and see the world outside of it, there will be no turning back.

At the end of the day, what I really want you to know is that I’m sorry. I’m sorry I didn’t love you in the way you needed. I simply didn’t know how. Today I love you even in all of the broken pieces you believe that you are made of. I forgive you and I’m proud of the man you will become.

Love,

Yourself.