Sad

By Sammy

2 min read

Hey, I'm Sam and today I've been letting everything and anything play on my mind and take over. It's been 9 years in March I was tested positive for HIV. We all have our good days and bad days I suppose and self remorse days. I've never really spoke properly to anybody about how I contracted HIV, not even my family or friends, who yes, I have told most of them trusting about me.

How I contracted HIV

It was March a few weeks after my birthday I was out in Manchester with friends after. Waking up somewhere unfamiliar with strangers not having a memory of the night before was so frightening for me. My phone dead and out of use I made my way home like 30 miles looking and feeling terrible. Two weeks later after having bad sleep and sweating and falling asleep on the bus home from work loads of times, I didn't know if it was because of what happened or what was to happen. So I had to take myself to the clinic only my second time after only having two previous partners in my life.

I was so scared it was like 8 days after my tests I was sat with my mum who didn't know what had happened to me. I got a call from the doctor, my heart suddenly sank to my stomach, he asked me to go in, so I said, can you not tell me now? At this point my mum is worried so I told her I had to go see him there, she looked worried. We both went, he took me in as my mum waited outside, I got the bad news and suddenly fell to the floor. I kind of knew it on the way and stayed calm for mum.

Upset and scared

Everything at this point was going off in my head, I'm dirty I'm disgusting I'm an embarrassment and a failure. I was upset and scared. What my mum was going to think? The doctor asked if I wanted her so I said yes, and she saw me in the room and instantly broke down with me holding me tight and comforting me as much as she could, which I hold so close. She's such a superstar.

An everyday normal healthy-ish life

Having a few bad days doing research and getting help from doctors I started feeling more positive about living with HIV. I'm now undetectable and have been for about 7 years which is great. I still live an everyday normal healthy-ish life. What eats away at my head sometimes brings bad days which I hate talking about. I never thought I'd ever let anything take over and control of me, but your mind and brain are very funny working things and I've just been having a really shit few weeks with this and a few more home problems. Ahhhhhh dear

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LizGreen Community Admin
<inline-mention username="Sammy" user-id="4515195"/> I am so glad you reached out when you are having these bad days. You are definitely not alone in this, there are many others here who express the same thing. I hope sharing your story here helps you feel supported. I know that it helps others to read it and feel less alone, especially if they are newly diagnosed. How are you feeling today? - Liz (Team Member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Sammy" user-id="4515195"/>, You are so brave sharing your experience with us. You are fortunate to have had your mum with you during that intense time. Congratulations on your reaching undetectable status. I hope you get through this rough patch. We are hear for you. Khafre (Team Member)
caseyh Community Admin
Hi <inline-mention username="Sammy" user-id="4515195"/>, like my teammates said, I am so glad you reached out when trying to navigate through your bad days. I had to comment because your words are so powerful and I could really picture the entire story, including falling to the floor and holding your mom. That was so moving to read, thank you for sharing your heart. I'm really happy to hear that you're undetectable and that things (for the most part) are going well. Please know you can always stop by anytime you need a friend when things are tough. -Casey (Team Member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Sammy" user-id="4515195"/>, After rereading your article I wanted to share that you are not alone in thinking about how funny the brain is. I sometimes get on a treadmill of thoughts which become hard to shake. I have to understand that I am larger than my thoughts. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Sammy" user-id="4515195"/> We can't control the thoughts that come into your minds. We have to remember that they are just that, thoughts. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
Khafre Kujichagulia Abif Moderator
Alafia (Peace) <inline-mention username="Sammy" user-id="4515195"/> We haven't heard much from you lately. Please let us know if you received the support you need. Remember, we are here for you. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)