Recently Diagnosed Positive
As of May 19, 2021, I was informed that I was HIV positive. To say that I was shocked was an understatement, having never had ANY STD ever in my life, but my intuition told me something was up by the countenances of the practitioner and counselor who awaited my presence in the room.
Honestly, I took the news well, saying "Well that's unfortunate", but I wasn't ignorant of the fact that I was still in shock and knew, without a doubt, that every conceivable complication would rear its ugly head eventually. Now here I am, seeking simply to tell my story and to get it off of my chest.
Being single after my HIV diagnosis
The real crux of the situation, for me personally, is the possibility that I may have to be single and/or abstinent for the rest of my life. Yes, I know there are treatments and other such steps to be taken, but they aren't the issue. My conscience is the issue. I cannot willingly and knowingly plan on being intimate with someone (regardless of preventative measures being in place) without realizing the fact that I am bound by law to inform others of my condition; I can't allow myself, or even entertain the idea, to put someone at risk.
The very ironic part of the situation is that I have never really had problems being single, but now that I am putting my life together in the correct way, I find myself wanting to be with someone. After being single for three years, all of which I wasn't positive, I didn't consider finding someone because I had recently gotten out of a very long eleven-year relationship. Now, here I am unable to even bring myself to consider looking for someone because of the disease that flows in my veins. I was essentially denied and stripped of a choice that is afforded to everyone simply because one person couldn't be more careful about their own personal health and my lapse of momentary judgment. Because of THAT situation, I refuse to repeat the same mistake another individual made with/to me.
Where do I go from here?
Where do I go from here? I honestly wish I could know that answer, especially pertaining to finding someone to be with, but I don't and that is something that I have no other choice than to live with. Is it fair? Nope. But fair isn't in it. I initially made the choice to sleep with someone unprotected, regardless of the fact that they were infected or not, and now I have to live with the consequences of my actions. I wish it was nearly any other circumstance, especially one that didn't possess the potentiality of causing someone else physiological harm, but it isn't. The actions have been done, the harm delivered and now new choices and a new set of consequences have to be considered in pretty much every aspect of my life. Responsibility, a word with a whole new echelon of meaning for me.
In some defeatist part of my brain, I have come to accept the very real possibility that I might be alone for the rest of my life. However, the majority of my being rejects this notion in all of its implications. I have to be mindful, that emotions don't ensure survival; quite the opposite they tend to cloud judgment; like the level of judgment, I lacked that landed me in my predicament. So I have to be logical and careful and vigilant with everything that I do now because I became careless in a single instance of my life.
It may seem like I am being harsh on myself. That may be true, but the level of diligence that I have to put forth requires harshness in order so that I can better maintain everyone else's safety... Safety from myself. The same safety I should have practiced previous to this situation. Do I blame myself? Sure, and I know I didn't give myself the disease, but I blame myself for the poor decisions that led to me contracting the disease.
So, I leave off with this advice: be ever mindful of the decisions you make. Perceive everything in a cause and effect attitude, because it will definitely eliminate a lot of unnecessary strife. Make choices wisely, because it could absolutely cost you dearly. Lastly, walk the path you choose carefully, you never know when a pitfall will show up to knock you off your game. Thanks.
Do you use meditation apps on your phone?