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Dating with HIV

I have been in a relationship with someone who knew me years prior to my positive diagnosis. I was diagnosed February 2020, nearly in tandem with the COVID-19 pandemic. I was able to process my feelings alone and break things off with the ex who transmitted to me and I have remained undetectable since I began medication March’20. I was hesitant to date again but since I have known the man I am dating now, a new relationship transpired. In this new relationship we began using condoms but I never really kicked off the conversation of why I felt comfortable with condoms or if we would stop using condoms at some point due to my uncomfortably with my diagnosis. He has brought it to my attention more than once and I never want to seem dismissive but my response has been roughly the same: “I feel comfortable using condoms and I haven’t felt ready to share my story, but you are safe and there’s no reason why we need to use condoms”. All very true, especially since I am undetectable and have had the conversation of disclosing with my provider. As our relationship has deepened, we have been sexually active together for 8 months, the question has been raised again. His stance “we should of had a conversation sooner, if I am not at risk then I don’t want/need to know now”. I still want to disclose as I think of our future together: living together, marriage , starting a family but fear the rejection and the “dishonesty” he could feel from disclosing months into our relationship. I am still working on my own acceptance of my status and am unsure how educated he is on HIV. Thoughts/advice/ words of wisdom?

  1. You are certainly not alone in these questions, and when to disclose your status is a big decision. I find that others living with HIV can be your best resource for words of wisdom so I hope others from the community chime in.

    In the meantime, I wonder what you think of this article by JT Otis. Let us know how you are doing as you go through all this!

    Liz (Team Member)

    1. Alafia (Peace) I suggest you do your homework and share as much as you are comfortable with. Encourage them to educate themselves and be patient with you. Khafre ( Team Member)

      1. I hope this finds you doing well. I have found that it is best to share as much information as possible about HIV TODAY, when you disclose. So many people do not know much about HIV, so it helps to have all the facts that you can when you tell them you are living with HIV.
        I know it is not easy to disclose to somebody that you want to build a future with but it is also important to do so, especially when you are having a sexual relationship with them.
        Sending you lots of love and strength - Heather Renee (Team Member)

        1. In my journey I've found that it's better for me to rip off the band aid as soon as possible. I find a comfortable environment, get to talking about silly stuff and then I tell them that I really enjoy being with them and before we move on there is something they should know even though it shouldn't be much of a concern... And then I tell them. The more time goes by the more attached I feel and the worse a rupture gets to be. Rejection is not easy for me to handle anyway, but the sooner I realize what my odds are the more confidence I can have in my plans. Hope this helps. Love...

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