Entering a relationship with someone with HIV
Hi guys… I’m prefacing this thread saying that my questions come from an admittedly lack of understanding/education … and they are probably not as intense as several situations I read in this forum - so please bear with me, they are my own. They are personal. Thus equally intense to me.
I met this marvelous man and had one of the most amazing dates of my life. No sex. We had a second date and he told me he’s HIV+ for several years. This caught me by surprise and I didn’t make too many questions, also because I’m not really sure what to ask.
I never met anyone HIV+ so I frankly never dealt with or know little about it. Just the enough to know (after a bit of research but there's so much outdated information online) that on the correct treatment you can live a normal life and can't transmit if the viral load is undetectable - I suppose that would be the first question I should ask because I’m just assuming he's undetectable since he lived with the virus for a while?
I'm infatuated by him and I have access to PReP if it comes to that, but HIV scares me and I can’t shake out the fear of having sex. This whole situation has been upsetting because a) it's all a bit hypothetical (I barely know him and the easiest route would be to run away), b) I feel selfish looking for ease of mind (I'm sorry) because I don't know what life with an hiv+ person would mean to me (would I have to be always on PreP to be 100% sure I'm not contaminated? would I have to fully trust this person is always on meds? etc).. but c) for him as well - I really liked him.
Transmission aside, I can’t really imagine what is to live with HIV treatments. I feel apprehensive to ask wrong questions and press old wounds, resurface insecurities. Knowing he has been living with this for a while makes me believe he might have made peace with it, but he showed insecurity saying it and I feel like shit bringing back monsters likely hard to deal with in the past... only for my own peace of mind. I don't want to be that selfish and probably he'd be better off with someone that already demystified it.
I think mostly I’m trying to get tips/advice or any thoughts on how to approach this without hurting his feelings - I'll survive... it's really about him. I mean, we just had a couple of dates and so many other things can go wrong beyond this topic (I’m not that naive lol).. but we'd cross that bridge once we get there. For now, this is a blockage to me.
Sorry for the information vomit and thanks in advance for any thoughts
I hope others will chime in here with their experiences. First, I can tell by your writing how much you care about this person and that you, like many others, are struggling with negative (untrue and stigmatizing!) messages people receive about living with HIV. And I can tell you are trying not to hurt this person by figuring out what misconceptions you need to confront and correct for yourself.
I am not living with HIV, and have found this article to be really useful to me: https://h-i-v.net/answers/allyship . A good place to start (and I see you already doing it!) is using person-first language, meaning we would say someone is "living with HIV" (more on that here: https://h-i-v.net/living/people-first-language). Words like 'contaminated' are also not words that we would use when using affirming person-first language.
I really like what one of our advocatessaid about mixed-status couples, "the tools at our disposal are powerful and allow for healthy people to develop close relationships regardless of HIV status. It will still take time to educate the broader public. However, whether you are HIV positive or negative, we all need love and intimacy in this life." (full article here: https://h-i-v.net/living/mixed-status-couples )
If you have further questions after looking at these resources feel free to respond in the thread. - Liz (Team Member)
Alafia (Peace) First let me say that there is nothing wrong with how you are feeling and the questions you have. The research you did is correct, if a person is taking their meds and is undetectable they can't transmit the virus. PrEP is another effective prevention tool and may or may not need to be used by you. The questions you have are fair and I don't believe this would be the first time he has been asked and has to answer. I don't think you will hurt his feelings. Breathe and know that you are coming from a good place and as long as you are everything will work out around this issue. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
