Newly diagnosed, looking for support
My boyfriend and I have been together over 2 years. We own a business together, live together, and recently had a beautiful baby girl. The happiest day of our life turned into a nightmare, when I found out I have HIV after giving birth to my daughter. My o gun dropped the ball by not testing me for it, so a day after I gave birth and had been breastfeeding her I found out. My boyfriend was supportive at first, and wanted to still get married and have a family. Now that he has tested negative, his tone has changed. I’ve sacrificed a lot for him. My son, who’s is nine, he talked me into giving his dad majority custody to build a family and have a life together. He is a conservative man who strongly stands behind his beliefs. As we drove home from the hospital his words were “ you’ve sacrificed for me and to have a family together, you’re damn right I’m going to sacrifice for you”. Now it’s come out that he isn’t okay with this. He doesn’t want sexual from me and doesn’t know if he can have a life with me. What do I do?
His thought is that no matter what we can live on the property (130 acres) together and raise her together. He’s always been against split households and co-parenting, that once married or having a child, you work it out, but now he isn’t sure. I’m deeply in love with this man and have given up so much. Where do I go from here? I’m soo sooo afraid I’m going to be alone forever if we can’t figure this out. I thought when you loved someone, you sacrifice for them. Now I’m wondering whether his love was ever strong enough. I’m scared, and feel alone. Who has gone through this and what advice or experiences can you share with me.
Hi
. You certainly have a lot to process and your emotions and stress are more than understandable. Getting an HIV diagnosis is difficult and getting it in the manner you did even more so. I want to share with you this article from our patient leader on processing an HIV diagnosis: https://h-i-v.net/living/processing-diagnosis. It is full of excellent information on the steps that helped him.
Have you started treatment yet? I ask because it is known that the sooner an individual starts treatment for HIV, the better their overall health outcomes. I'm sorry to hear that the standard care of HIV testing early in the pregnancy was not done. However, as noted in this article, even without preventive steps there is a pretty good chance that the mother did not transmit the virus to the baby: https://h-i-v.net/pregnancy. Given this, was the baby tested and was there any postpartum antiretroviral drugs administered? It is important also to know that should the baby be positive, just like adults, children with HIV can live longer, healthier lives with improved treatments.
Concerning you boyfriend, it is certainly understandable that you are feeling alone and confused. There is a lot for him to process as well and, hopefully, he will take the time to learn more about life with HIV and the life that is possible for mixed status couples. I want to share with you this Forum discussion on being in a mixed-status relationship which has an excellent discussion on and information, plus links to some wonderful resources, such as about PrEP, which would protect your boyfriend from infection. Wonderful relationships are possible.
What I really want to stress is that you are not alone. There are resources and support available. There are people here who understand. Please feel free, if you like, to keep us posted on how you are doing and to ask questions - this community is here for you. Best, Richard (Team Member)
