Status Secret

Dating is never easy. There are so many factors you have to consider when trying to choose someone to share your energy with.

Physical appearance is presented first

Physical appearance is something that you’re first presented with when you are on these dating apps. I am a heterosexual woman who definitely believes that melanated men were sent from the most royal of royal places.

Character is just as important

I am not complaining that physical appearance is presented first. But it is indeed hard to figure out if Mr. Good-Looking will be gentle, kind, and intelligent just by gazing at him. And honestly, I maybe have not been the best judge of character.

Nevertheless, weighing the factors of compatibility is difficult. When you are living with HIV, the factors seem to quadruple. Seems like the "status secret" will always make things harder.

What I share on my dating profile

My dating profile now boasts my love for my child, holistic living, and scenery.

I talk greatly about how I want to break generational curses and that I am working on a business.

I speak on my passion for creative outlets and lasting love. I mention how I am a truly spiritual person, and get lost in the stars.

It shares who I really am, but it does not begin to touch base on the mental and physical aspects that I so confidently share here. It does not speak of my past traumas or the lasting effect they have had on me. Those things made me who I am, but do not define me.

Disclosing my status while dating

My dating experience, while positive, is still rather new. I dated periodically after Matt but got into a relationship almost a year following.

My last boyfriend was unknowledgeable but accepting. I, by no means, have it together. But, I am trying. I honestly have not tried hard to date anyone but, still, the factors are forever in my head.

When is the right time?

Now, after finding myself single again, I wonder about when I should disclose my status. Is there ever a right time? I wonder if I should disclose my status immediately or wait until I get to know a person.

Thus far, I have disclosed my status as things seemed to deepen or when I believe there could be a sexual connection. I never want to feel like I was blind-siding someone, but I also understand my status is MY business.

Strength to be free of my secret

I often remind myself that if someone does not accept you, and your status, then to heck with them.

I know, in my heart, it would never work with someone who was negative about my status. And it would never work with someone who was not willing to learn.

But, it is about more than that. Having to repeat a deep secret over and over again is tiresome. Rejection is hard enough, but knowing that it is quite possible is harder. I am still searching deep to find the strength to be free from my “status secret.”

Fully embracing my truth

I know that once I fully embrace my truth that I will be free. I guess the timing will present itself when the time is right, as it does when sharing it with a future companion.

Until then, I will continue to manage my "status secret" the best way I know how and take it one day at a time.