Death of a Loved One

We develop a deep, close bond with the people we love. I am a person who loves hard - close friendships mean a lot to me.

On June 4th, I lost a very close friend and I have been struggling with how to deal with that. I met him 8 years ago when I first started advocating for HIV. We thought we were going to be a couple, but it turned out that we were better as friends.

We shared a closeness that many search for in a friendship. We would talk on the phone about anything and everything. He would call me to get my perspective when he was interested in a woman. I could share my relationships with him as well. I would have jumped over the moon to get to him if he needed me and he would have done the same for me.

Losing a friend - a confidant

When I was hurt about something he was hurt about it too. We just never know how long someone will be in our lives, and I have always made it a point to tell those who are close to me that I love them even when we hang up the phone.

When we lose someone, we realize that our emotional connection with that person will be no more. Especially when that person brought love, security, and support into your life. There will be no more memories to create with that person and there will be no more interaction at all physically from that person who passed away.

Losing someone can be overwhelming and challenging at the same time, but grieving is natural for all of us. There can be many emotions that we are feeling like confusion, sadness, hurt, and pain. It can be an overly complex journey to deal with trying to navigate through life knowing you will never hear their voices or see them again.

Yelling into the void

I will now have to adjust my life knowing that I can no longer cry to him when I am feeling sad. It's funny because his passing left me wanting me to call him and cry about what I was feeling, but instead, I have just been talking to him as if he was in the room with me.

Saying aloud, "Why didn't you just do what you were supposed to do to take care of yourself?" And, "I told you there would be many people who would be lost without you. Like your daughter, brother, sisters, and grandchildren," but of course, he didn't answer back.

A dream that died with him

I did speak to him 2 days before he passed away and he stated how he was now okay with not working his job that he had had for so long, and how he was going to get a VA loan and get a 4-bedroom house - to house people who are living with HIV that were homeless for one reason or another. He said it was now time for him to do his part.

Well, his dream died with him and that makes me incredibly sad. All I can say is that it is okay to grieve, and no one can tell us when the right time is to stop.