flicking the bean

Great Sex Starts with Loving Masturbation

I remember the day I first discovered the sensation that came from my clit; it was love at first feel. Once I started, I never stopped.

It brought me comfort and closeness to myself. I was 9 years old, and I didn’t question the abundance of love I felt because I didn't consider myself a sexual being at that age.

I would rub my clit every night in bed with my clothes on. I viewed my actions as a massage I gave myself daily to unwind at the end of the day and to drift off to sleep.

My relationship with masturbation changed

As I came of age that society approved of having sex, my relationship with touching myself changed.

I became detached from what I knew felt great to me and started to follow society's ideal of sex. I didn't look at clit stimulation as sex; I honestly didn't put much thought into it. I just knew it felt good. But since society didn't focus on that, I thought it wasn’t essential to incorporate.

I had the idea that penetration was equivalent to sexual satisfaction and that bigger the guy meant more pleasure.

Learning about my vagina and pleasure

What I learned over the years is that size wasn't equivalent to pleasure and that penetration wasn't either. I decided it was time to accept the reality that a guy can never teach me how to satisfy myself sexually.

Therefore, I decided to have sex with one of my female friends to learn how my vagina functions at age 24.

What I took from that experience

I learned that I needed to relax my body; my clit needs to be stimulated the entire time, including when I'm being penetrated.

Also that my clit needs lubrication and the right amount of pressure. Guys usually are rough and apply a lot of pressure, which causes unbearable pain and discomfort.

Once learning how to rub my clit, the next important step is investing the necessary time. I need to cum multiple times to feel sexually satisfied. The first time I felt satisfied, it took me two hours.

I was worried about my sex life with men

After having sex with a female and finally feeling sexually satisfied, I became worried about my sex life with guys.

I would question if a guy would let me teach them how to satisfied me since guys usually have pride around their sexual performance. I wasn’t sexually attracted to females, but I was considering the thought if it meant that would be the only way I would get my sexual needs fulfilled.

Learning how to please myself first

I started investing in learning about female pleasure and, now that I’m spiritual, I looked up sex and spirituality.

I learned that I need to stop depending on others to please me. I had to learn how to please myself first if I want to have satisfying sex with others.

It’s was an interesting discovery because I grew up being told that masturbation wasn’t "real" sex and that it was an activity that I could do in the meantime until I can have "real" sex, which is with another person.

Orgasms shouldn't be the end goal

Spirituality also taught me that sex isn’t about focusing on the end goal, which is to orgasm. It’s about being present with the entire experience and showing love.

Before, I would focus on the end goal because society puts so much emphasis on orgasms which made it more difficult for me to have one. With this new profound knowledge, I have been enjoying making love to myself because I now know I’m enough to please myself.

I’m currently reading Sex for One: The Joy of Self Loving by Betty Dodson, PH.D. Let me know if you plan to read it and if you know of any other books on this topic.

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