Who I Had to Forgive When I Learned I Was HIV Positive

What is the most challenging act of forgiveness you have ever had to do? I began to understand what it meant to forgive someone when I learned I was HIV positive. Most of my friends who died never concerned themselves with who and how they were exposed to the virus. Others went to the grave, embittered and angry, wishing they could take their revenge on 'whoever gave this to me.' I didn't have to guess: the person who exposed me told me.

After 6 years together, on a hot September afternoon, my partner sat down in our living room and said he had AIDS. Then he disclosed he had tested positive the very month we had met and had never said anything.

Now, I never asked, and I made the conscious decision not to practice safe sex, but those days were very dark with only one treatment option and people dying all around us. I convinced myself to live with this person and not regret it.

But for a moment, our conversation paused as he waited to see if I would walk out the door and turn my back on him.

I spent little time considering the concept of forgiveness. For too long, I felt that being strong meant forgetting and moving on — or worse, holding onto the perceived slights I had in my head. I never realized what a toll it was taking on my mental health. These grudges became a source of anger and sometimes the deciding factor in how I made decisions.

So, what changed?

As time passed and I saw the years collecting behind me, I began to realize how much I had missed out on because I was too stubborn to let go of the past. So many birthdays, graduations, and long nights spent telling good friends it would be okay and them telling me the same things — so much of life had passed me by because I would not let things go.

I also realized that forgiving someone did not mean I had to accept what they may have done or said was right. I just had to agree that having them in my life was more important than something that happened decades earlier. So, I began giving up anger and hurt and opening myself up to the possibility. I started by forgiving everyone in the world.

Forgiving the bullies

It was a hard thing to grow up gay in a small bayou town. Everyone told me that I would never find love, never be anything of worth, and probably die of a brand new disease called AIDS. I was verbally and physically attacked on multiple occasions.

As I thought about this, I realized that I had also found strength by standing up for myself. I had found my voice to speak up for Robert. And while I do not condone bullying in any form, ironically, who I am today was forged in those conflicts.

I had to forgive the bullies because they were themselves victims of a society built on hate and homophobia. I now understand that people like this can come from broken, shattered homes. They were hurting, too. So, I forgave them and let the past go by trying to understand them.

What about family?

The most challenging task was my family. How do you forgive people who have always loved and accepted you for who you are but failed you, nonetheless? In my most vulnerable moment, as a teenage father, my parents were both physically debilitated, and I realized who I was as a gay man; my siblings were not there for me.

But they were going through things as well. And no one had taught them how to engage a gay brother; it wasn't something spoken about at that time. So, I decided they did the best with what they had, and perhaps they were giving everything they could. It just wasn't enough, but that wasn't their fault.

I began to reach out to them and to open myself up to them once again, without expectation. I told them the truth, and whether they grasped it or not, I focused on the fact that we were together and did not let time pass us by.

An easy forgiveness

And for my partner who passed the virus to me? I probably forgave him the moment he told me, and I stayed with him until the end. Yes, there were many years of guilt and anger to work through.

There isn't enough space on this page to explain the complexities of my situation and why it was so easy to forgive him. I just followed my heart because that is where forgiveness truly begins.