I Need Support, Too

Have you heard the saying that the strongest people are usually the ones who are hurting?

Well, I can be honest and say that there are days when I feel so alone, but I don't say anything because I know it will pass.

Where does the loneliness come from?

It’s not the loneliness of longing for a partner or companion. It is a feeling that no one is worried about me, my feelings, or my mental health.

I think the people who are close - like family - don’t see me as needing any support for anything. It’s always everyone close to me who expects me to be there to listen to their problems or to be there when they need me.

Who can I receive support from??

But, I have no one to lean on for that same kind of support. If I needed a ride, there is no one to ask. If I needed money for a bill, there is no one to ask.

I have had to work so hard all my life because I know there will be no one. Sometimes I don’t want to be strong and I cry in silence, but I have learned that it’s okay to do that.

People in my family call me when it’s convenient for them yet, as soon as I call, the conversations are short and they don’t want to hear my cries.

A need to be free and have a clear mind

I have feelings too and do need a listening ear. So, what do I do?

I have started to avoid phone calls from the ones who just want to vent because it is draining to my mental. There are also people in advocacy that I have stopped being in contact with.

All I want is to be free and have a clear mind because the anxiety of it all can be damaging to me. I have lost a relationship from being so open with my status and my pursuit to help others. When do I say "enough"? Well, today, as I write, I say "No more!"

Feelings of loneliness aren't uncommon

My support comes from 2 people in advocacy that I love to the moon, and I know I can call them anytime. It is hard for me to let all my cries go, so hold it in since I don’t want to drain them with negativity.

My unconditional love for the HIV community has given me life, but that has also been draining. I write this to show you that I too am sad sometimes, that I cry sometimes about it. Please know that you are not the only one who feels this way.