My Mental Health Journey: What Pushed Me to Seek Therapy?

Over the past several years, I knew I really needed to look at my mental/emotional state and overall mental health. I think I'm very strong and confident, but sometimes I struggle.

Plus, I'm a very social person. The pandemic's residual effects and isolation took a toll on me.

Socializing brought joy, but it was taken from us

Back then, I did not have many people to connect with. I used to talk to people at a bar or a club on the weekends, something I looked forward to towards the end of my work week.

At my job, I was also able to talk to people while I was facilitating men’s workshops, which provided an outlet for me to be social. But during the pandemic, the workshops I facilitated had to stop.

For most of the pandemic, my family did not want to gather around one another, which made me feel alone at times. I live on my own, so not being able to go and visit my family and talk to them and hug them in person was a very lonely feeling.

Sometimes, people keep their mental health struggles pent up inside due to a variety of reasons. I, for one, was one of those individuals.

I found a therapist to address my suppressed feelings

Prior to the pandemic, I started to see a therapist. I was holding a lot in, especially around the death of my grandmother and past traumas with relationships.

Now thinking back on it, these are both things that I did not want to deal with in my life at the time, which is why I may have suppressed them so much.

I went to a few sessions before stopping. It wasn’t until almost a year into the pandemic when I realized that I really did need to speak to someone again.

In my family, mental health care was complicated

As a person of color, I was never taught to put mental health at the forefront of my health. I remember growing up and barely getting a routine check-up every few years.

To me, seeing a therapist wasn’t on my mind, but what was on my mind were all the issues I had going on and how I was not really dealing with them.

I realized that part of my job was counseling individuals who looked and loved just like me, but I wasn’t taking the steps to seek counseling for myself.

My sisters went to therapy, but I didn't

My mother took my 2 smaller sisters to therapy because of issues with their father when we were younger. But no one ever asked me if I needed therapy.

As a teen, I remember holding in the urge to tell my mother that I wanted to go with them to express my own feelings. The reasoning for not taking me was my 2 sisters had a different father than I did.

I felt that I also needed the therapy when I was younger because, for a very long time, he was the only father figure I knew. My own father was not in the picture.

Being the only boy in a Latinx family, I felt I wasn't able to show my weakness. My mother always told me to be strong and a man for her and my sisters.

Why did I keep my issues pent up inside?

I kept my mental health issues pent up inside because I did not want to face them straight on. It was much easier putting it on the back burner rather than really trying to understand where the feelings were coming from.

I was the only man in my home growing up, so I wanted to make sure I stayed strong and confident in the eyes of my mother and 2 sisters.

It was not until I graduated that I knew I had my own issues around my father - who I did not talk to.

My initial push to go to therapy was when my grandmother - who was like a father figure to me - passed away. Her passing brought back old and new issues around my father removing himself from my life. It felt as if I lost a father all over again.

Mental health for people living with HIV

Looking back, the pandemic put into perspective how much I may have suppressed my feelings towards seeking therapy. I felt like I did not have anyone to speak to.

It is very important to take a holistic approach to our health. Even though I was working on my physical health, I also had to start focusing on my mental health.

I now know that it is very important to seek mental health care. We need to be able to pinpoint the root of our traumas. We are all human - full of emotions, triggers, and pride. How we deal with all those things is how we differ from one another.

Being Latinx, gay, and HIV-positive in the community today can still be a struggle. I must continue to take care of mental health because it will push me to thrive, do the work I'm passionate about, and teach me to put myself first.