The day I received two LOW REACTIVE HIV test results
I grew up in an abusive home. My mom beat us a lot, insulted me a lot and exposed me to men who took my sexual innocence away. I remained a supposed Virgin after moving away for University. I remained HIV negative and I always took pride in my health. I saw myself as a conquerer and a strong woman who overcame a lot.
I will always be in therapy
I know I will always be in therapy. That's okay. No one can be expected to be okay after rape and molestation from childhood. Additionally my own mother said she thought of me as a prostitute. She hated me and still hates me.
I had met a man who I thought will be my husband one-day. I trusted him and told all my vulnerable stories. He seemed to care and was very protective of me. He vowed to protect me from further harm from my family. He showered me with love.
Unfortunately one weak evening I slept with him. No condoms. He said he was allergic to condoms. I don't know why, but I believed this man. Soon after sex, he began questioning why I did not fear HIV and STDs, despite having the discussion with him where he told me of his condoms allergy. He started talking down on me. He started fighting with me. He questioned my intelligence and made so many small remarks about my intelligence. He started asking me about money and stopped paying for our meals. I started paying and would thank him for driving. The comments went to insulting my brother for driving his car. He started complaining about the relationship.
My relationship was worse
Eventually we did a home HIV test. We tested negative. However it made it worse. He was even more furious. He became more cruel and we made out more with sex. Again he refused to wear a condom.
He then went silent when I was studying for my exams. One day he became very upset because I refused to cook for him, while on study leave. He said he was upset about me asking him to eat have lunch with his friend from work. That evening he send me the worst message anyone had ever send me. He said I was conniving and many things.
I was hurt and started questioning my feelings and my self worth as a woman. I tested negative throughout after we separated and he shared with me his HIV negative test results.
I tested positive for HIV
Unfortunately my third test came back HIV low reactive on two ELISAs.
I contacted him, but he simply said his results were negative and wished me well.
I am treatment, and awaiting more results. I am living as newly diagnosed HIV positive. My doctor told me that people on HIV treatment can test negative if their viral load is undetected. This is what we suspect about him.
One man deliberately hurt me and I fell for it. I was very naive and dump. I accept my role in exposing myself to him. I continue working on my self esteem...because I must have very low self-esteem to accept the level of rubbish he fed me.
Have you ever been unhoused or insecurely housed?