Up the Hill...
I was 20 years old, in my 3rd year in the university when a school club I belonged to arranged for free HIV testing. I was just curious because I had never been tested before. I had no reason to be fearful because in my head then despite the facts, there was no way I could get HIV. I was a virgin, didn't do drugs or share needles, or engage in any other risky behaviors. I took the test and it was positive. I remember staring at the pregnant woman who tested me and wondering if I would ever marry and have a child someday. My world as I knew it came to an end that day.
Faith, fear, and stigma
I was religious at the time. So, every night I would go to the sports center where there were empty courts to pray. I was so sure God was going to take it away. I thought it was like a case of Job in the bible. But nothing changed. Then, came the denial. I thought if I just observed the best practices nothing would happen to me. My mum took to a clinic in another city to start treatment but they weren't given ARVs to people with CD4 higher than 300 at the time. I went to the clinic for a while but I stopped going while I was studying for my master's degree. I was always so scared that I could meet someone I knew. I feared being stigmatized.
Trying an alternative approach
I was taking a natural remedy that was being researched by a doctor called TrinoIB at the time. I was keeping good health and never fell ill. Then, about 10 years after my diagnosis, I started to have sudden waves of dizziness, my stomach became really bad and I couldn't eat. I developed dysentery and pile symptoms. I felt my life ebbing away from me. I finally realized I had to start treatment or I would die. I told my mum I was ready and we went together.
Starting treatment for HIV
I weighed 78kg and still looked fine on the outside but I knew how weak I felt. Because I had always been big, many didn't realize what I was going through. My CD4 had dropped to 38! And my viral load was 18k+. The doctor said I was lucky because I didn't have any of the diseases common with such a low immunity. No pneumonia, TB or shingles. Then, came the struggle with adapting to the treatment. I was started Nevirapine, Lamuvidine and Zidovudine. I felt so weak but luckily I didn't get diarrhea and vomiting like many people. The hunger pangs were terrible. The moment I felt hungry, I could run into hypoglycemia and start shaking. No, I'm not diabetic. It felt good to be able to eat but soon it seemed I lived only for the meals. My weight hit over 100kg in no time. Then, the neuropathy pains started. Tingling in my feet kept me awake all night. Pains in my arms kept me restless all day. They finally changed my meds to a more recent one - Lamuvidine, Tenofovir, and Dolutegravir. It was easier on my body and it was only once a day.
Managing anxiety
In the period before I started treatment, I had started to experience anxiety/panic attacks. I still struggle with this at present. I don't like to go out on my own and I start feeling shaky and feel perfectly fine when I'm indoors. There are times I get over it but sometimes I relapse. A bright spot - I met a wonderful guy on an HIV dating site two years ago and it has made me happier to be with someone who understands the struggle. The whole experience has affected my drive in my life. I sometimes feel like I'm underachieving.
Struggling to find work
I work as a freelance writer and the period of the Corona Virus pandemic has made me out of projects and jobless as all of my projects were canceled. My online work slowed to a stop. I hate being dependent so this has been really depressing. Recently, I have been thinking about how clinics in Africa depend on mostly foreign funding for us to get free treatment but there are really no other avenues to empower PLHIV. How do people who don't have an income stay on their medication? Sorry, I'm already ranting...having a low time at present and came across this site and thought to vent here.
Interested in sharing your own diagnosis story, treatment experience, or another aspect of living with HIV?
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