My husband just tested positive. Should I be scared?
Hello everyone, My husband has just found out he is HIV positive. he has had something that appears like thrush/candida since February. His doctor has tried three different medicines for it and it will not clear up... So two days ago he went in and they ran several tests, HIV being one of them. Never in a million years did we think what was causing his thrush was HIV, but turns out that’s what he has. I have always known before he met me that He was very careless in his sexual activities and promiscuous.. I guess looking back, I should’ve demanded testing before getting involved - but it is what it is and we are here now. We have been together for 11 years, no cheating and no separations, it’s been him and I for the last 11 years. He swears to me he has not cheated on me because that was my first thought. How can you have something like HIV for so long, at least over 11 years, and not know?
And how is it possible that after 11 years of sex together, I don’t have it? We have always had a very active sex life, and we have two young children. In both of my pregnancies, they did an HIV test on me as standard protocol, and both were negative. one was in 2017 and one was in 2021. How is that possible? I am going today to get another test to see if I am still negative, and I am freaking out. I just don’t understand how it’s possible that he can be positive for all these years and I am negative. At least I am praying that I am still negative🙏🏻
I have so many things running through my head and I guess I just want to know that this is all normal to feel like this right now. Things currently running through my head…
-can you really have HIV for all these years and not know? His doctor says yes absolutely. In fact, his doctor reviewed his history and chart and said there were many indicators over the years but unless you’re looking specifically for HIV, a doctor wouldn’t necessarily think it.
When he first told me that he is positive my initial thought was, I am going to be a young widow. I have since learned from his doctor that HIV is not the death sentence that it once was. I went with him to an appointment yesterday and his doctor answered a lot of our questions. They started him on meds immediately (biktarvy) and ordered several more blood tests to get a better idea of what stage he is at. His doctor guesses He is at a more advanced stage at this point, but assures us that treatment will still work even in advanced stages. Is this true?
This morning some results came in, and his CD4 is 84.. very discouraging for us, and he feels like this is going to be it for him and cries because he believes he won’t be around to see his children grow up😞💔
My anxiety is through the roof about if I am positive now.. we have had soooo much sex and we have never ever used protection.. so how would that be possible?!
this is a big one running through my mind right now, will I ever feel safe having sex with him again? Because right now that thought terrifies me, but I am crazy in love with this man and so I hope it gets better with time. If my test comes back negative still, I fear that even when he gets to an undetectable level that I will still have a fear in my head that I can catch it. I hate feeling that way, but it’s just where I’m at right now.. maybe it’s just all fresh still.
And another big one, is it really true that you can live a long and healthy and happy life if you take these meds? We have little babies, 6 years old and 20 months old and let me tell you, they need their daddy. This man is the greatest father to them, he is the father I always wished that I had growing up. The thought of him not being around to see them grow up, literally crushes me.
We are obviously not engaging in sex at this time until tests come back, and until his levels are undetectable. I just pray that we can get back to some sort of normalcy once things are a little under control. My biggest fear is that we won’t be able to. What I do know though is that I love this man more than anything, and I do want to be there and support him through this no matter what.
I know my post is kind of all over the place but that’s kind of how my mind is right now as well. To anyone who read all of this thank you so much.
Hi
. This must all be super overwhelming for you, especially with young children. Please know we are here for you whether you need support or a safe place to vent. HIV can be scary, but it is definitely not the life sentence it once was. We have several members here who have had HIV 30-plus years and are otherwise very healthy. I hope that a cure or better treatment becomes available during your husband's lifetime. Many people live with HIV for years before they are diagnosed because the virus itself presents with no symptoms. Symptoms begin to emerge as immunity weakens, but HIV is not always an obvious suspect, especially in someone like your husband who has not had any risk factors in a long time. I think you can trust his doctor on this one, that your husband did not contract HIV recently. It can take two to 14 years for HIV to progress to a point where doctors begin to suspect HIV. Here is an article that explains it: https://h-i-v.net/symptoms/clinical-latency. I am glad to hear you have tested negative so far. I know it seems odd that you have not contracted the virus from him, but HIV needs the perfect conditions to spread. Somehow, you seem to have avoided the confluence of those condition. It is important to keep testing for a while to make sure you don't develop it, but I hope that, in time, as each test comes back negative, you are able to accept that you are clear of HIV. It will be difficult to trust that he is unable to transmit the disease when his levels are undetectable, I am sure. That's only natural. Honestly and openness will help you through it. Don't be afraid to seek out some extra help from a counselor. I hope you get responses from others here who have been in your situation. Sending lots and lots of hugs your way. - Lori (Team Member) Hi
. Your anxiety is certainly understandable. Fortunately, you have already learned that HIV is not a death sentence and a full and active life for those who are positive is certainly possible. On top of the excellent information from Lori, I want to to share with you this article which notes that in a meta-analysis of studies of heterosexual HIV transmissions found that "the risk per sexual act was 0.04% if the female partner was HIV positive and the male partner was HIV negative. The risk was 0.08% when the male partner was HIV positive and the female partner HIV negative:" https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/vaginal-sex-and-risk-hiv-transmission. This indicates that it is absolutely possible that you have not contracted the virus. Of course, it is essential that you continue to follow the doctor's direction in regards to testing and protection. The doctor may have mentioned that, once your status is established there is a program know as PrEP (pre-exposure prophylaxis) to reduce the risk of contracting HIV (see here for more information: https://h-i-v.net/living/facts-prep). Please know that this community is here for you and your husband and feel free, if you like, to keep us posted on how you are doing and to ask additional questions. Best, Richard (Team Member) 
I understand what you are feeling right now. I was with someone for 8 years before he fell ill and discovered our HIV positive status. I don't know what choices you face in your relationship, but I can assure you that it's possible to live a full and loving life after a diagnosis. For the past 30 years I've lived with HIV and while it meant accepting some big changes in how I lived, by doing so I can say 'I am still here'.
No matter what happens, please know that nothing is more important than taking care of yourself, those you love and to reach out and find a supportive community. You are not alone in this.
Please let us know how things are going for you and take care.
Alafia (Peace)
I am sure we can all understand a bit about how you are feeling. I am so glad you found us here at H-I-V.net and that you feel comfortable and safe enough to share what you and your husband are experiencing. I want to speak about sex. Once he has been taking his meds and reaches a suppressed viral load it is scienifically safe to return to sex. However, what I hear is that you may need more than science to get there and that is Okay. Take your time to try and get some understanding of this new normal for you all. If the love is there the intimacy will follow in my experience. Please, Please stay connected to us here at H-I-V.net and know that we are here to support you both. Khafre (H-I-V.net Team Member)
