My lover told me she had HIV after we had unprotected sex..

Hello gentlemen,
Hello ladies,

Please bear with me… I might be long-winded at first. But I believe some context is needed here.

My name is Olivier, 47 years old. I've been married for over 10 years. My marriage was never an easy one, my wife has an illness that makes all forms of intimacy problematical, sometimes even downright impossible.

For that reason, I've been allowed to find my sexual pleasures outside our marriage, but... she wants to know. She wants to know who I'm seeing and when I'm seeing her. She also expects me to inform her several days in advance if I'm meeting someone, and so on...

I have been staying within the bounds she defined, within reason. At first, the idea of our arrangement was to allow me to meet women for sexual satisfaction. After a while, I found out I really need some form of an emotional connection with whomever I was seeing.

This changed the kind of relationships I was having, and the way I kept her informed. Since the idea was to start a relationship with the person I was dating, I only told my wife about her when the relationship started to look promising, this was to give the other side the chance to end things when I told her what I was looking for, without revealing her identity.

I've never considered myself to be a Don Juan, but I was able to make it work. I found a girl whom I’ve been seeing steadily since around 2016. I’ve been faithful to both women, not playing around in any way.

Last year, my girlfriend informed me she wanted more and she was thinking about looking for a single man this time around. Not something I can blame her for, so though it pained me… we decided to pause our relationship, giving her some time to figure out things on her end. We did keep in touch and even kept going on occasional dates.

For the last 7 months we’ve mostly been texting, and it seems she decided to move on. So… after a while, I created an account on a dating site and dipped my toe in the proverbial pool.

2 months ago, I met a girl there, a beautiful African lady (my ex is also African). We started talking over the phone and after a month we decided to meet.

It took some doing. It had been years since I went on a date, and feeling like I was 18 again, I wanted it to be perfect.

Perfection being relative, I still think our first encounter came close. We ended up making passionate love in a hotel room, she indicated she wanted to feel my cum inside her… so we didn’t use any form of protection.

We went home afterward, texting for the remainder of the evening. Everything seemed fine, we even had “the talk” about getting tested in the coming weeks.

The following day things changed. I hardly heard from her all day, only telling me a strange story late in the afternoon.

She felt terrible because she didn’t tell me a couple of very important things about her, she said all that mattered was that I had been safe the day before, but… it would be better for me if we would start using condoms from now on.

A little bit later she finally told me what was going on. She was HIV+ and on medication. She has been undetectable for years now, there was no risk, and I was fine.

I don’t really know how she expected me to react, but… I panicked - of course. Tried to keep a cool head. I remembered reading about a treatment you could receive after having had contact with HIV. Not knowing any names or places where I could ask for such things, I asked “Friend Google”.

Friend Google came through and provided me with the details I was looking for. In Belgium, they work with HIV reference centers. Unfortunately, they were already closed. But… they also work in conjunction with several ERs all over the country. As it happened, one of them was near me.

I called them and was told to come over. They took my history, and my blood for testing and tried to reassure me. With everything I had told them about my encounter the risk I had was minimal. Too small in fact to warrant starting me on PEP.

They gave me a letter for my GP, and he/she would take it from there. I should plan an HIV check-up after 6 weeks and in 3 months. Additionally, a HEP C check-up in 6 weeks, 3 months, and 6 months. Providing the results stay negative, that should be it…

The next day I contacted my local HIV reference center, and they basically told me the same things, but… if I really wanted, they were willing to start me on PEP.

If my partner told me the truth, there was no real need for PEP. Given the circumstances, the doctor however said she understood I needed a bit more to feel safe again. I accepted her offer and I have been on Stribild for 2 weeks now. My first check-up is planned in 6 weeks, a comprehensive STD screening, after which we will reassess the situation.

The first week and a half were fine. I took my pill every day, and I felt fine. I still feel okay in fact. Except… 3 days ago I noticed 2 red spots on my right arm and when into full “all-out panic” mode again.

I read online one of the 1st signs of an HIV infection was an itching rash and seeing these red spots made me doubt everything once again. I have no idea how long those 2 red spots have been there, one looks more like a mosquito bite in fact, but… I’ve been itching all over the second I notice them.

I know it’s probably just the stress and my imagination. There is no rash anywhere present (that I’m aware of), but whenever I feel an itch, I panic. And being stressed just about everything seems to want to itch at one point or another.

I’ve been worked up so much, my stomach has been acting up on its turn (I have chronic gastritis), causing diarrhea (which I have regularly anyway) so I can add that to the list of symptoms I’ve noticed. I caught a cold the same week I had my date… Let’s just say I’m driving myself crazy now.

To top it all, just about everything I talked about could be just as easily a side-effect of the medication I’ve been taking to prevent infection.

At this point, no one knows. I’ve told my GP last week, but I stopped there. I haven’t had sex with my wife in over 5 years, it’s been more than 6 months with my ex. The blood test I took 2 weeks ago came back negative, if I am infected, my current lover is the only possible source. So, if I don’t have unprotected sex with anyone until I’ve been cleared, I can keep this to myself (I hope).

I have been trying to talk about my insecurities with my African lover, she however doesn’t want to discuss it. For her all these things are in the past, talking about it would only bring her down, and she wants to move forward.

While she knows she should have handled the situation better, she didn’t force me to have intercourse with her … and she expects me to accept the consequences, take the test so I can see she didn’t lie, and then decide if I want to continue with her.

This brings me to the reason I’ve decided to post here… I’m going out of my mind, and I haven’t got anyone to talk to.

I’m looking for usable information, references, experiences… things to allow me to get an idea of what I’m facing here.

Is there an actual problem here or am I just imagining things?

And what if I turn out to be HIV+? What then?