Please help me. I need your support
Hi,
Last year the same time, I got tested for HIV at a lab in a middle eastern country where I am from and it came back negative. The reason I did goes back to 7 years earlier when I had unprotected sex with a Chinese masseuse in Beijing and since I developed health anxiety lately I felt guilty that maybe I had it all these years and passed it to my wife and my three year old daughter.
I felt relieved at the time when I got the negative result but it all attacked me even harder three weeks ago when my wife and I both developed flu-like symptoms (only green mucus and wet cough) for two or three weeks with no other symptoms and I was completely convinced that we both have HIV as these symptoms were with us for three weeks!!
So last week I pushed myself to do the test again this time in Toronto. So the next day I was notified that I was negative again!
I have not been feeling even better mentally and the whole idea that I might have got it and have passed it to my wife and my daughter doesn't leave me alone!
Few days ago, I used a delay spray called "Promescent" for the second time that happens to be an expensive product and when I used it on me, my skin started to feel a little irritated and just a bit of it got into my urethra and I just can't stop thinking "What if this small plastic bottle contained some HIV virus that was purposefully placed in by some sick scientists" and my cold symptoms were in fact the early symptoms of HIV I was experiencing after my first time use of this spray two months before which my latest test wasn't able to detect it!
I don't want to lie but I am so anxious that I see myself capable of seriously hurting myself.
What should I do? What would you do? Do I have valid reasons to be worried?
You have no idea how important your responses are to me and would greatly appreciate your support.
Julian
I am so glad you reached out when you are feeling this way. The anxiety about the health of you and your family can definitely be overwhelming. I hope you can find some support here.
Also, your questions give me a chance to clear up some misinformation about HIV that you may have received - do you know where you first heard or learned about HIV? There is a lot of misunderstanding out there that can lead others to think transmission is easy and that people living with HIV are a threat to those around them, and this is not true!
There are 5 bodily fluids HIV can be transmitted through and those are breast milk, blood, precum, semen, and anal and vaginal secretions, when they come in contact with a mucus membrane - more about that here: https://h-i-v.net/transmission . HIV is not expected to live for long at all, making environmental transmission outside the body virtually non-existent. This means HIV cannot be transmitted through contact with everyday surfaces- more about that here: https://h-i-v.net/myths-misconceptions . I hope this alleviates your fears about the delay spray.
In terms of your negative tests, tests taken 6 months after a potential exposure can be considered 99.9% accurate. It sounds like your two tests were 6-7 years after you think you may have been exposed (it does not sound like you know the person's status, and even if they were living with HIV, many who take medication reach an undetectable level where they cannot pass it on sexually). Based on what you described, I don't see a reason not to trust the results of the tests you took.
These thoughts and fears can be very overwhelming. I encourage you to take a look at the articles I linked above and compare them to messages you've heard about HIV that may not only be incorrect, but make you feel shame or guilt around this topic. This is a non-judgmental place for those who are living with HIV to talk about how it impacts them, so a great place for you to hear the truth from those living with HIV about how it is truly transmitted. I hope this eases your mind, and if you need support finding some local resources for HIV test or mental health, let us know and we can try to help!
- Liz (Team Member)Thank you very much Liz for your support.
Please forgive me for asking stupid questions but I would like to share a couple of questions that I have in mind right now:
1. How likely is it that blood tubes are changed at the lab or public health?
2. How likely is it that this is actually a "Negative false" result?
3. I read the article about the "Myths" but I could never find any information or research on How likely it is that the virus can be kept active and alive in a pharmaceutical lab made plastic bottle that contains Lidocaine based delay spray?
What makes me worry a lot about the authenticity of my result is that it was given to my physician within 24 hours only while they say it could take up to 6 days.
I am super sorry for my not very rational questions and concerns.
God give me strength to get over my anxiety. I am at the edge of losing my jobIf you are looking for the research for the articles, just scroll to the bottom of the article and click "view references," and it will take you to the original articles the statistics are based on!
HIV tests taken 6 months after a potential exposure are 99.9 percent accurate. If your HIV tests were taken 6 months post-exposure, you can trust the results. Typically, people may experience an incorrect result if an HIV test is taken within the first 2 months of a possible exposure; this period of time is called the "window period". However, outside window period, false-negative are rare with HIV test. For more information, see here: https://www.aidsmap.com/about-hiv/false-negative-results-hiv-tests
Do you have a sense for where the anxiety is coming from? I hope there is someone in your life you can talk to, sometimes it can help. And I hope talking it out here helps, too. - Liz (Team Member)
The fact that I got my results from Public health Ontario within 24 hours while based on their website the turnaround time is up to three days for non reactive and up to six days for reactive results makes me worried that either my specimen was changed with someone else's or my test was not conducted accurately.
I just can't talk to anyone about it. My wife would hate me for that. She is already aware that I did it last week.
I just don't know how to handle this much stress. I don't even dare to ask my physician to give me another test nor do I have the courage to repeat the test myself.
Something in me began to believe that I may have it and I should accept the shame that comes with it. I may have given it to my wife and my little one.
What does it feel like to be diagnosed with it? Is it truly the end of the world?
Are the treatments full of crippling side effects? Can you still be happy from the bottom of your heart?! Do the patients hope for a day in their lifetime when they can get cured?
Believe it or not, I don't know any where else to talk about my thoughts on this issue.If there is any other events we haven't discussed here that gives you the impression you were at more risk of transmission, the most important thing is to get tested and if positive, start treatment as soon as you can. As many will tell you, it is not the end of the world by any means, and those living with HIV frequently share how happy and healthy they are when adhering to treatment. The shame that you mentioned can be harder than anything else, and those living with HIV work hard to educate those around them and break down the misunderstanding and stigma. Treatments have advanced a great deal, but we advocate for more change and a cure, like you mentioned.
Those living with HIV have written a great deal about their experiences on the site. Here are a few perspectives to get you started:
Coping wtih a new diagnosis - https://h-i-v.net/answers/coping-new-diagnosis
What the HIV community means to me - https://h-i-v.net/answers/community-support
Dealing with judgment - https://h-i-v.net/answers/lack-social-support
I hope this helps, Liz (Team Member)
