Estimations of the maturity of friends
I was diagnosed in 2019 after about two months in the hospital.
I was there because of a stabbing in my neck that woke me out of a sound sleep in the middle of the night and punctured my trachea and esophagus.
I don't know if the hospital simply waited o tell me of my status, to make my long stay there better if that's when the test results came in. Either way it happened, I'm still getting over being self-conscious. I definitely want some people I know to know about it, because it helps me accept it when I see them accept it. My mother is holding me back from opening up further, though because she's worried about what ths family will think. It has a serious effect on me, and definitely makes me more self conscious and both want to hide it more as well as find people that are safe to tell.
My question is this:
How do you gage a person's level of maturity to know if it's safe to tell them of your status as you are becoming close friends.
I met a girl at work and she was acting like my best friend, telling me all of her secrets, inviting me to her house, we traded what clothes we could, I thought I could consider her a best friend but at the sight of conflict she told absolutely everybody at work that I am a heroin addict and contracted HIV using needles and that I use at work. I had to prove them wrong with a drug test.
She continted on to blame another person for the rumor, however that person was smart enough to ask me if just a simple part of the story was true, the HIV part. I answered yes with a, "How would you know to ask?" She told me that the girl I was considering to be a best friend had told this lady, who is now a great friend, and told me everything she told her. I admitted the truths in the story and denied the slander.
That next week I transfered to a store ten minutes up the road.
Luckily the particular store I worked with has a high turnover rate so there' only one other lady in town that still gives me dirty looks.
It was a bummer and felt quite invasive and aggressive and something I never want to happen again.
How do I make sure this doesn't happen?
I started making more friends at church, and I think I am noticing a lot of differences in behavior in the one best friend I told. I told her because I have spent frequent time with her and she does not gossip.
Other than not gossiping, how else can you tell if a person isn't going to use the fact of he matter against you in time of conflict?
Hi
. It is clear that previous violations of your trust has hurt you and this is certainly understandable. Please know that others here understand how hard it is to gauge how and to who to disclose one's status. I wish there was an easy answer on how to know who to trust, but there is no easy answer. Several of our patient leaders have written about disclosure, such as here: https://h-i-v.net/living/disclosure-for-you and https://h-i-v.net/living/disclosing-views and our editorial team wrote this article on the topic: https://h-i-v.net/disclosing-friends-family. I hope this information is useful and that others will also chime in with their thoughts. This community is here for you. Best, Richard (Team Member) 
Disclosure can be the most liberating thing about living with HIV and also one of the scariest. I've been HIV-positive for 30 years, and I still struggle with it.
Presenting the truth to others brings great joy. It means you are seen, and your struggle is real; it is an act of saying that you exist.
But there are times when I question whether I need to share that information with other people. I also get tired of constantly worrying that someone in a dentist's office or a new doctor will treat me differently when they learn about my status. Disclosing over and over again can be a draining experience.
I don't think you can ever know where a person is emotionally and in their maturity level regarding some topics. My best friend, who was one of the first people I shared this with, has blocked it out over the years, unable to accept the information given to them.
What I have learned for myself is that it's essential to understand the impact that this person has in my life and how the act of disclosure may empower them to be an agent of support and compassion in my HIV journey.
Some people I have spent years observing before ever addressing the subject, while others never learned it at all.
I don't know the specifics about where you live or the dynamics of your support network, but I do want you to know that many of us understand the emotions you are feeling. If you need to share with us, we are here for you.
Good luck, and let us know how you are doing occasionally.
that is some really good advice about gauging how much of an impact a person has on my life.
Thank you.
