Learning to Live in the Present with Bipolar Disorder and HIV

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HIV is not the only condition I'm living with

Living with multiple medication conditions is nothing new here. I was born with a rare bleeding disorder, Hemophilia A. By age 6, I added hepatitis B to my collection. 5 years after that, I welcomed HIV into the fold.

This was right alongside puberty, which technically isn’t a medical condition, but I think that should be reconsidered. I wasn’t done yet. I contracted hepatitis C through blood product treatments a year after I graduated high school.

Fitting because, at best, I was a C student. It was no joking matter when this happened, however. I didn’t open up my medical bag until I was 20.

This saved my life because it led me to the people who helped me trust HIV medications.

How I approached health in my youth

I was reticent about the “new cocktail”, thinking: yeah, let’s see how great that is in 5 years.

In my youth, I lived in the present. I did not want to think about my medical conditions unless I was having a bleed with hemophilia. With HIV, I figured I’d deal with it when I was dying.

Throughout my 20s and 30s, I educated others about HIV and sexual health through writing and speaking. I took great pride in tying my medical conditions - and educational mission - into everything I did.

My experiences with ADHD and depression

Then, a funny thing happened in my late 30s. I was diagnosed with ADHD after nervously taking some tests to see how HIV had impacted my cognitive ability.

I was finding it difficult to stick with casual conversations in the coffee shop. At times, during speaking engagements, I’d be answering a question...

By the end of my answer, I’d forgotten what the question was.

I was trying to get in as much info as possible. I’d get embarrassed when I got confused, so exposed on a stage holding a live mic. In private, I’d feel the same when I got lost in a lively chat with a friend.

Getting diagnosed felt like a relief, though

The ADHD diagnosis came with great relief. Once treated, my ability to focus felt like the mental “miracle” that went alongside the physical resurgence my HIV medications provided. Fatigue, on all fronts, was finally being taken care of.

Then, in my 40s, I got diagnosed with depression. I knew it had been something I’d lived with my whole life, but as an educator and writer I didn’t lean into that aspect of things. The early days of hemophilia took me from fun to the hospital in the blink of a black eye.

After HIV, I’d stay home from school for weeks after getting over whatever my weakened immune system was fighting, because I didn’t want to be around a bunch of teens with futures.

I got diagnosed with bipolar disorder this year

This year, at age 50, I added a big one to my medical resume, and in quite dramatic fashion. I had a psychological breakdown and was diagnosed with bipolar disorder. My personal life was in turmoil, which triggered 2 days of no sleep and 4 days in a psychiatric ward.

I told the doctors that I didn’t need any new diagnoses based on how I was acting then. After some sleep, I would figure this out.

But each day I spoke to doctors and fellow patients, their honesty about their lives was so refreshing. I changed my tune. I opened up more in meetings with doctors and at lunch with the cool kids who let me share a meal with them.

They knew the ropes. They’d been there before.

By day 3, I was offering that same grace to “a new kid.” It felt great to return the favor I’d been given. Wild, I’d just lived through the worst 3 days of my adult life and, in the psych ward, I had 4 of the best days in a row I’ve ever strung together.

Getting diagnosed with bipolar disorder forced me to do something I hadn’t in years: put my health first. And the medication I take for it gives me the best 7 hours of sleep I’ve ever had in my life.

The present is a gift, and right now, I feel great

At 51, I truly feel like I’m the healthiest I’ve ever been - with diet and exercise, I’m making sure my body rises to meet the standard my mental health now sets.

Before effective medications, something that got me through the early years of HIV was living in the present. Enjoying the day, because tomorrow or next year, even, was not guaranteed.

Truthfully, for all of us, it never really is.

Returning to my teenage philosophy - that the present is a gift - has been life-changing. The perfect prescription for someone who, just 3 months ago, put up his hand defensively at the thought of adding a new diagnosis to a collection.

If you’ve been recently diagnosed with something that has put you on your back foot:

• Take a breath, take a moment, and try to accept it
• Welcome what, at first, feels like such a challenge

For me, it’s been a great strategy in making a new diagnosis - and my life in general - far less challenging.

Don’t get down in knowing what’s up.